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Ah, Mandarin… a Chinese buffet of epic proportions, where Canadians can mow down on all things greasy and delicious to their heart’s content. But this ever-so-tasty endeavour doesn’t come without it’s share of challenges. If you’ve ever eaten there, these thoughts will be all too familiar:

    1. Oh man, I’m so hungry. Starving myself all day was an excellent idea.
    2. This place is bigger than a Walmart, and I still have to wait 20 minutes? Balls.
    3. Am I allowed to feed the koi fish? I wonder if they eat wontons…
    4. This is where you’re seating me? I can’t even see the buffet from here…
    5. Is it weird to go to the buffet before the waiter arrives?
    6. I wonder if anyone orders off the menu. Wait, do they even have a menu?
    7. Why doesn’t every restaurant have pictures of the drinks on the place mats?
    8. Would a Singapore sling pair well with Chinese food?
    9. On second thought, I better not drink anything; more room for egg rolls.
    10. Salad bar? Ha! I don’t think so.
    11. C’mon, lady, take your damn chow mein and move on!
    12. I wonder if I can fit one of everything on my plate…
    13. What is this sticky red sauce, anyway? Is it better than the sticky orange sauce? Which one should I put on my chicken balls?
    14. Would it be weird if I poured the red sauce all over everything? Yeah, that would probably be weird…
    15. Screw it. Here comes the red sauce!
    16. This would be a nightmare for those people who don’t like their food to touch…
    17. Wow, I didn’t know pizza and onion rings were Chinese.
    18. Something tells me the sushi here isn’t exactly top-shelf; better take it easy…just a few dozen pieces.
    19. Oh crap, where was I sitting again? Why is this place do damn big?
    20. Okay, here we go…
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    1. Why did I take so much bread?! Rookie mistake.
    2. Wait, was I supposed to get my own spoon? Guess I’m eating you with a fork, Mr. wonton soup.
    3. Good God, is everything on my plate deep-fried? Wait, never mind, I think see a bit of broccoli in there somewhere.
    4. The red sauce was a bad choice.
    5. I may have overdone it on the shrimp.
    6. Is it just me, or does the spicy chicken taste a lot like the Kung Pao chicken? And the General Tao chicken. Hmm…/li>
    7. Okay, Round 2. They should probably just make the plates bigger.
    8. Am I supposed to keep my silverware? It’s all covered in crusty red sauce…
    9. What if they haven’t cleared my plate by the time I get back? Do I just stack them?
    10. I feel really bad for the dishwasher.
    11. Hold on, am I getting full already? No, this can’t be happening…
    12. Alright, calm down. Just power through. Deep breath.
    13. Must…get…$22…worth…
    14. One more small plate couldn’t hurt: just a few slabs of prime rib.
    15. So many desserts. Better just take one of everything.
    16. Is it weird to mix desserts and mains on the same plate?
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  1. How do they make the Jell-O into these perfect little cubes?
  2. I officially feel terrible.
  3. Resist the urge: Don’t get another plate; you’ll regret it.
  4. Okay, maybe just a few more Nanaimo bars.
  5. I think I’m going to be sick.
  6. Yes, for the love of God, bring me the bill before I really hurt myself.
  7. What is with this bowl of lemon water? Is it for drinking or for cleaning? Maybe I’ll just dip my fingers in it…
  8. Did that guy just drink his finger water? Dude, that’s for your fingers!
  9. Okay, maybe just one little sip.
  10. Not for drinking. Definitely not for drinking.
  11. Warm towel? Why yes, don’t mind if I d—SWEET BABY JESUS, THAT’S HOT!
  12. What’s the tipping protocol at a buffet, anyway?
  13. Oh no, I forgot about the fortune cookie. You can do this. Your future happiness hangs in the balance.
  14. “You like Chinese food”?! Son of a…
  15. No thanks, lady, if I had room for a mint, I wouldn’t be leaving right now.
  16. Why did I do this to myself? I’m never eating here again.
  17. In fact, I may never eat again. I’ve evolved beyond the need for food. I’ve discovered a new state of being that no longer requires sustenance for survival.
  18. Why can’t I sleep? Is my heart beating too fast? Why am I sweating so much?
  19. How long was I asleep for? What day is it?
  20. Man, I’m hungry. I could really go for some Mandarin.
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