It’s cold hard truth time: That brooding hottie who makes you melt every time you hook up may not be the love of your life, according to a recent poll taken by iVillage, which found that most women don’t end up marrying the best sex they’ve ever had.
Before you start to wonder why you ever said “I do”, we asked Dr. Robin Milhausen, sexuality researcher and Associate Professor at the University of Guelph, to explain why it’s okay if your husband isn’t your number one sex partner.
“Often the person we have the best sex with is someone we have a tumultuous relationship with. Someone for whom we have a fiery passion but perhaps someone we are not the most compatible with,” explains Dr. Milhausen. “When we look for a serious, long-term partner like a spouse, we often privilege compatibility over that spark.”
While chemistry is important when choosing a long term-partner, the spark present at the start of your relationship often turns into a companionate love over time, the kind where intimacy, trust and an emotional connection are huge. Spontaneous but flaky bad boy just can’t provide that, which is okay because chances are your husband could turn into your hottest flame!
“Just because you didn’t marry the person you had had the best sex with at that point, it doesn’t mean you can’t create awesome, incredible, best-sex-ever sex with your spouse,” explains Dr. Milhausen. When you and your partner truly feel comfortable to sexually explore, that’s often when the best sex can happen. “You just have to make it a priority and open up the lines of communication.”
She also stresses that while your exciting and unreliable sex god may have been fun for awhile, partners who are compatible and have similar values tend to have the happiest most fulfilling relationships. A man you can’t trust, talk to, or feel safe with does not make a great long-term partner. “Marriage is hard enough even if you are passionately connected, and emotionally fulfilled, at the outset. It’s almost impossible when you enter it with someone that you aren’t totally sure about, or who is clearly not meeting your needs in one area or another.”
It’s also worth noting that a significant chunk of women in the study said they did, in fact, marry the best sex of their lives. Aww!