Love expert Lola Augustine Brown answers your pressing dating and relationship questions
When I met my boyfriend, he was 26 years old and still a virgin. We have been together for two years, and over that time we have developed a really exciting sex life. Over the course of our relationship he has expressed regret that he hasn’t been with more women, despite being very happy with me. We are totally committed, have bought a house together, and talk about getting married, but he feels like he can’t go through his life only ever having slept with one woman. He wants to rectify this by either us having a threesome, or by me giving him permission to go sleep with someone else. I find this really upsetting, and a few times this has brought me to tears, but he won’t let the subject go, and verges on obsessive about it. What do I do?
Oh wow. My first thought is that if it took him 26 years to get laid, is he really thinking it is going to be that easy to find someone else that wants to sleep with him? But of course I realize that there could be all kinds of reasons that he stayed a virgin so long, and I shouldn’t judge him based on that. What I’m really judging him on is the fact that he is ignorant enough to think that it is okay for him to suggest this and think it will fly.
If you were both interested in a threesome and it was something you had discussed with excitement, or if you were interested in the swinging lifestyle, then okay, he could bring this up. But you have made it clear to him that this isn’t something you are interested in, and he still thinks that this is something that could (or should) happen. This is incredibly selfish of him, and you have every right to be upset. It speaks to his emotional immaturity, and I feel sorry for you that you have to go through with this.
If my husband told me that he needed to sleep with other people, then that would be the end of our relationship. If your boyfriend is so set on doing it with another woman, then he needs to not be with you. It is pretty simple. You are in a monogamous relationship, and it needs to stay that way if he wants to be your man. Usually I’m not one for ultimatums, but here it is simple, tell him to either get over the idea, or move on and sleep with as many women as he likes when he is a single man again.
You deserve better than someone who doesn’t appreciate what he has. If your boyfriend loved you, he wouldn’t want to cause you pain or screw up the relationship that he has with you. Don’t put up with this crap from him.
Got a question for Lola? Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org
Please be advised that, due to the volume of letters, all questions will not be answered. Bell Sympatico or its affiliates are not responsible for outcomes, direct or indirect, resulting from following this advice. By submitting a letter, you are granting permission for its publication. Questions may be edited for length and clarity.