Gays aren’t the only men who should be celebrating yesterday’s historic court ruling in the U.S. removing the last obstacle to same sex marriage south of the border.
Straight guys should also be standing up and applauding the U.S. Supreme Court finding that the Defense of Marriage Act was unconstitutional (a legal term that in this case means “legislation so brain dead that it makes the 2nd century look progressive.”)
The case, see, was all about equality. And now that gays and lesbians are assured all the rights enjoyed by hetero couples when it comes to relationships and marriage (a legal term meaning “a 50-50 chance of survival”), fairness dictates that straights in turn are entitled to all the rights associated with gay relationships and wedded bliss.
Not following? Well, let’s spell it out: A new study says approximately half of gay couples are not faithful – but they get to step outside the marital bedroom with permission from their partner! That’s right – a perpetual Hall Pass (colour-coordinated, of course).
So … shouldn’t straight men therefore be entitled to be “monogam-ish” in their unions too? You know, that old “what’s good for the gays, is good for the philanderer.”
Now, we’re still working out the kinks in our plan, but it seems pretty clear that we’ve got a solid case based on equal treatment under the law. If our wives refuse our request and force us to stay genitally-exclusive, why, we can sue them for discrimination (a legal term meaning “not going along with everything I want”).
Not that we expect women to take a hard line on this. Most likely, our demands to be freed from monogamy (a legal term meaning “unnatural, in the eyes of men”) would be greeted with derision, based on their uncomfortably-accurate assessment of our skill with the ladies. “Good luck with that, big boy,” they’d hoot, when able to speak after the laughing fits calm down.
(Further evidence, by the way, that while all men are dogs, the married ones have been domesticated. And neutered.)
Then there will be the handful of women who offer a compromise, such as geographic monogamy, which means fidelity within a certain area. You know, like your city or province or – the most probable option to be put on the table by a spouse – your planet.
And that will leave the slim majority of females who don’t see any merit in our honest attempt to support equality for all. From them we can expect a raft of responses, most involving violence and our nether regions. (That pre-nup you signed may protect the family assets, but the paper won’t safeguard the family jewels when pots and pans come flying).
That would be followed, of course, by divorce (a legal term meaning “a process in which everyone except the lawyers lose”).
However, men, we cannot let these issues stop us as we begin the march to true equality. (What can stop is us getting lost on the way, since we refuse to use a map).
As in the Supreme Court case in the U.S., the journey will be a long one, but one that even women will eventually join. Just as soon as they finish their own battles for equality, in the workplace, the corporate boardrooms, and in life in general, that is.