I’m sorry, but I don’t want to see inside your uterus. Even if it’s filled with
an eerie golden alien your adorable unborn child, I still don’t want to see it. Don’t get me wrong – I’m happy you’re pregnant. I’m just not that into modern ultrasounds.
But judging from my Facebook feed, I realize that I’m part of crotchety minority, a post-post-modern Luddite, pining for the old days when a grainy black and white still at a face–to-face meeting was the only time I’d be privy to the view inside a pal’s uterus. Those pictures were fine by me. Yes, they offered clinical proof of pregnancy, but as artistic specimens, they were blobby and abstract – flat, one-dimensional representations of possibility.
But today’s ultrasounds, ugh. That strange golden hue, those precise, high-definition details that prove beyond a doubt that unborn babies look more like alien life forms than future children. Frankly, I’m surprised pro-lifers haven’t started campaigning to end them yet.
But instead of people rallying to stop these too true to be good technologies, a company called 3D Babies wants to help parents create life size models of their unborn babies. Upload your 3D ultrasound and fork over that $600 you were saving for a stroller, and they’ll send you a rendering of your baby-to-be. Theoretically, anyway. Although the company’s order page appears to be operational, a link to their Indiegogo campaign suggests they still need money for the 3D printer.
Too bad, because the results are a lot less creepy than the squished fetus faces popping up on my Facebook feed these days. Or at least they would be, if the baby models didn’t come nestled inside complementary coffins.
But don’t worry Facebook friends and future baby mamas. I know $600 is a lot for keepsake, and I get that not everyone is as creeped out by those ultrasound profile pictures as I am, so keep doing what you’re doing and I’ll just skim past your profile until your baby is born. But if you’re not hung up on accuracy and still want a high tech tchotchke, consider this: for $250, 3D Babies will print you Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s baby, North West. It’s a miracle of science!