Love expert Lola Augustine Brown answers your pressing dating and relationship questions
I’ve been married to my wife for ten years, and we have two children. Before the kids my wife and I had a great sex life, and that was something that we really had in common, our love of sex. Now with the kids and her job she is only interested about once a month. How do I get her to want to do it more often?
First off, you need to look at how you could perhaps make her life a little easier and therefore make her more receptive to a little adult fun time with you. Are you helpful in terms of housework etc. or does she end up doing most stuff at home? I ask because there have been a couple of recent surveys that reported that men and women who are in a partnership when it comes to housework have more sex. It is easy for a couple’s sex life to suffer if you are on the work and family treadmill, where it feels like you never stop taking care of everyone’s needs and neglect your own.
So, my first suggestion is that you look at how much stuff your wife has to do when she gets home and how you can alleviate her workload. Do the dishes, cook dinner, offer to bathe the kids or do whatever you can to make things easier. Even if you already do your fair share, do a little extra to make her feel cared for. Us women are funny like that, we get turned on by men doing stuff that has nothing to do with sex whatsoever. I think my partner paying for a cleaner to come once a week would be a supremely romantic gesture.
Then, try creating some spare time for yourself without the kids. Do you have a regular date night? I know lots of couples that this really works out for, it gives them a chance to connect as adults and not just as parents. It can help you remember why you are together, and what life was like before you became mommy and daddy. So get grandma to come over (or better still, ship the kids off to grandma for the night so you get your house to yourselves), or book a sitter and get out somewhere romantic. Create a space in your lives for intimacy, and I’ll bet you’ll start getting a little more bedroom action.
If you do this and it makes no difference, talk to your wife and find out how she is feeling about your sex life. Ask what she’d need to be more into it, and what you can do for her. Don’t accuse, just be open and loving. Talking about sex is difficult, but necessary, and will help you to understand where she is coming from. Communication is key in marriage, even with sticky subjects like mis-matched libidos.
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