Love expert Lola Augustine Brown answers your pressing dating and relationship questions
Dear Lola,
I’m in my early 50s and have been single for almost ten years, since my divorce. I am an attractive woman who looks after herself. I’ve had a facelift, and use fillers etc. to look younger, all of which I’ve done because my best friend, who is 63, looks amazing because of all the surgeries that she has had, and she has absolutely no problem getting dates. I’m really jealous of her and even hate going out with her socially because it is like I am invisible to men whenever she is around. I meet guys who want to date me, but things rarely get to a second date, and I don’t know why. I know I scared one guy off by going on about how much I hate my job, and I know I can be a little negative when talking about my marriage, but is this enough to put someone off seeing me again? My friend acts like a bimbo with guys, but I don’t know if I can be that way in order to have a boyfriend. What can I do to make someone want me?
Lonely divorcee
Okay, there are several issues that need to be addressed her. First off, stop trying to compete with your friend. Subjecting yourself to surgeries in order to try and keep up with your friend is dumb. I’m guessing that the reason she gets repeat dates is because she is fun to be with, and being with her makes men feel good, whereas you come across like a seething mass of insecurity and bad vibes.
Comparing yourself to anyone does you no favours at all, so lay off putting so much effort in to your appearance and go a little deeper. We are all different, and if you look around at the people you know that are in happy and fulfilling relationships, then you’ll soon see that it isn’t only the great looking people that have them. People are attracted to others for a wide variety of reasons, and looks are just one of them.
It doesn’t sound like you are particularly happy right now, and I think that if you deal with that, you’ll be in a much better place emotionally to be out there dating. Everyone has stresses of one kind or another, but a first date isn’t an appropriate forum to drone on about your problems. You don’t have to act like a bimbo by any means, but you should be showing someone how much fun you are, and that you are the type of person they want to spend time with. Once they are committed to you then sure, share your problems with them, but when you first meet them just don’t do it.
And you seriously have to stop complaining about your marriage. No guy wants to hear about that. If after 10 years you are still bitter about the way your marriage ended, then you need to go see a therapist and work through all the residual bad feelings that are still haunting you. It is time to look at your life, and work out what it will take to make you a happier person. Deal with your issues, and you’ll become a much more attractive person than you are now, which will mean that first dates will lead to second, third and fourth dates, and ultimately a relationship that fulfills you.
Good luck
Love, Lola
Got a question for Lola? Email her at yourloveexpert@hotmail.com
Please be advised that, due to the volume of letters, all questions will not be answered. Bell Sympatico or its affiliates are not responsible for outcomes, direct or indirect, resulting from following this advice. By submitting a letter, you are granting permission for its publication. Questions may be edited for length and clarity.
