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Why do men look at porn? The Devil (a.k.a. Apple) made us do it

Lawsuit says technology giant should have to install smut filters on all its products to save men a lot of grief (and time).
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Gord Woodward, July 15, 2013 3:43:13 PM

At last – someone is standing up to this “blame the victim” mentality that has for too long penalized men.

It turns out that we bearers of dangly bits have been the dupes in a sinister plot by a major corporation, and as a result have unfairly endured years of scorn and ridicule. And yes, ladies, you have been unwitting accomplices in this gender mockery. (We can hear your eyes rolling, but stay with us on this.)

Now, thanks to a courageous ex-lawyer from Tennessee, we can openly confront this evil campaign and restore our good names.

We speak of … Internet porn. Turns out that man’s fascination with it is not our fault, despite all of the circumstantial evidence to the contrary. The real culprit, according to Chris Sevier, is Apple, that corporate titan renowned for bringing the devil’s handiwork to humankind (its creations have destroyed the music and publishing industries. Not to mention the art of conversation).

He is suing Apple because it has the nerve to sell technology devices that allow any unsuspecting dope unlimited access to the Internet. And since 99.7 per cent of the Web is dominated by porn (hey, why should Sevier be the only one allowed to make stuff up?), that means Apple is to blame for his keen interest in naked women. He says the technology giant should be obligated to install porn filters on its products to protect us from ourselves.

Granted, more than a few people (co-workers, mainly) suspected that the brush cut of late Apple founder Steve Jobs hid Satan’s horns. But Sevier is the first to see the depth of the conspiracy against men. It’s so bad that our crusader says the content he has eyeballed leaves him no longer able to tell the difference between “Internet pornography and tangible intercourse.” (We can help him out there. One is theoretically abundant but, to our frustration, requires knowledge of which buttons to push, and when. The other is computer-served images.)

He also wants the courts to punish Apple for creating “unfair competition” between his wife and the porn stars he was ogling (though we suspect his partner was probably more than willing to lose that battle) and for “hijacking great sex” (two separate acts that were previously only ever linked in conversations about airplanes and the Mile High Club).

Like founders of all important movements throughout history, Sevier faces ridicule for his attempt to Take Back the Net. But we should applaud his determination to expose the false notion that men are slaves to Internet porn (though many are apparently slaves in Internet porn).

Ladies, you can do your part too. The next time you catch your guy one-handed, try to be consoling rather than confrontational. And since a new study shows that men find looking at naked women to be a great stress reliever, maybe remind him visually of one of the reasons he fell for you in the first place

Because it’s stressful being a victim. If only you understood.

Image credit: Thinkstock


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