This past week, my friend Deanne was chatting at length with a younger man on a dating website, when he suddenly hit her with an “unusual” request:
“Every month I’d like to give you money,“ he wrote. “You can spend it on yourself or any way you want. We can start out with small sums but maybe eventually get to the point where I only have enough money to pay my bills. I want nothing in return. In fact, you can even ignore me.”
At first, Deanne thought he was joking. But he wasn’t – and something compelled her to dig deeper and find out more. He wrote: “I’ve had the desire to do this kind of thing ever since I was teenager. I used to put money in a pretty girl’s locker and stand around the corner just to see her face when she found it. Or, if I was in the shopping mall, I’d walk ahead of a group of young girls and intentionally drop a $10 or $20 bill (which was a lot back then), just so I could hear them pick it up and giggle.
“I’m ashamed of this urge,” he continued. “But it’s something I ache to explore. The pleasure it gives me is so intense, it arouses me, not just sexually but emotionally and mentally, especially if she views what I give her as pittance/not good enough.
“I don’t feel this same way when I give money to charity,” he wrote. “Nor when I’ve given my credit card to past girlfriends. It has to be with a woman I never have or will meet in person. She’s exists as a fantasy to me, she’s larger than life.”
Deanne, too shocked and baffled by what he was asking of her, answered him with a polite but firm, “Sorry, not interested.”
She then called me on the phone and asked, “What the hell was THAT?”
Financial Domination Explained
The urge that this young man was expressing to Deanne is common to a fetish called “financial domination.” In simple terms, instead of the object of the man’s fetish being say, a woman’s feet or butt (like we’ve heard of), it’s money. The man experiences both excitement and sexual arousal by the thought of giving money or gifts to a beautiful woman, which in turn lasts for days after the actual act of giving.
The man also enjoys being ignored and humiliated by this woman, sometimes intensively. She may call him names like Cash Cow, Piggy or Pet. Essentially it is set up like any Dominant/submissive relationship, where she, as Domme, controls him financially, emotionally and mentally as her slave, but she never has sex with him and never meets him in person.
Sound twisted? Well, let me remind you that we’re all wired differently. And if you think about it, given that money is considered the ultimate power in our society, a man’s worth so tied to his wallet, it’s plausible that some men don’t want that power. The less he owns, the more humility and shame he feels. He is allowed to feel vulnerable.
Because this relationship does not require face-to-face meetings, men with this fetish can easily and privately indulge in it online. In fact, today, a long train of websites set up by self-proclaimed financial Dommes already exist; they’re more than willing to take men’s cash and gifts.
But many of these Dommes are only in it for the fast and easy cash. They have no understanding or respect for the submissive or the loving power exchange involved in a true D/s relationship. And without this knowledge and compassion, the consequences to the submissive can be severe, including:
- bankruptcy, financial ruin
- inability to enjoy sex without fantasizing about submitting to a Domme
- loss of relationships/ divorce
- intense guilt and shame at hiding and carrying a “secret”
- isolation, depression and low self-esteem
- loss of job or decreased job performance
- a poor, unhealthy lifestyle
Should Deanne have taken his money?
Perhaps you think Deanne was crazy for not taking this young man up on offer. You might even argue that he’d have been better off dealing with her – a “regular” woman with a good heart – verses being potentially left in the hands of online piranhas.
But on the flip side, you must consider that Deanne has no real understanding of Dominance/submission; she’s never identified with either role nor had the urge to. At the end of the day, she wasn’t “qualified.” How would she have “managed him” and his needs as they developed over time? How could she look at herself in the mirror knowing she was essentially taking a man’s money for nothing?
I personally think she made the right decision…and I’ve recommended she follow up with him by sending him a list of some of the dangers that may lie ahead of him.
What are YOUR thoughts on Deanne’s decision? Would you have accepted the offer?
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