Holiday season is upon us and that means it’s time to get together with friends and family and celebrate decorations in the shape of snowflakes, add another dish to your Pinterest disaster board, and stress out for months over buying presents. At least, that’s what holidays mean as an adult.
They also mean that you could be hosting family at your house or be staying at another family member’s house. It’s stressful times like these that make having some alone time crucial to maintaining your sanity. But how do you have ‘alone time’ (aka sex) when you’re sleeping in your childhood bedroom that shares a wall with your parents? It can (and should) be done.
Maybe you need to relax after a day spent with the cousins you purposely only see once a year. Maybe this is the only time you and your partner are able to get free babysitting thanks to family being around. Maybe you and your partner are in a long distance relationship and won’t be seeing one another again for months. Or maybe you’re feeling extra loving towards your partner who just spent three hours listening to your great uncle explain why Trump is a great president and managed to not swear once. Whatever your reason, sometimes sex and holidays need to happen at the same time.
Getting busy in a busy house can be more difficult than finding a limited edition Ninjango on Christmas eve, but we’re here with some tips to help you put the ‘oh’ back in Ho Ho H(oh).
We’ll be right back
Offer to pick up something at the grocery store and find an empty parking lot for a quick make out sesh with your partner. Just make sure it’s near the back, away from other shoppers and mall security.
Where are my pills?
Fake a headache and retreat to your room, demanding complete silence and no visitors for at least 30 minutes. Telling family members you’re about to throw up is usually a great way to keep prying eyes at bay. Fa la la la leave me alone.
Part with the $50 you were planning on spending on alcohol for the holidays and instead treat your family to hot chocolate. Just insist they all go out and pick it up without you.
If your family refuses to leave, keep them busy with another task like a board game, puzzle or gingerbread house. Those things take FOREVER.
Master the art of sleeping with your eyes open and take a cat nap during dinner. You’ll have enough energy to stay up late and wait for everyone else to go to bed, finally getting some peace and quiet and a lil action.
Suddenly develop an allergy to the detergent your parents use to wash their sheets and check into a hotel.
‘What did you say?’
Buy all your family members noise canceling headphones for Christmas.
Don’t go in the cellar
Call dibs early on the guest room in the basement. It may be colder, but it’s private.
Hit the floor
Two words: pillow fort. Whoever invented the box spring mattress never had to spend the holidays with their family members. A box spring keeps no secrets, so take your ‘naughty time’ during the nice holidays to the floor in a makeshift pillow fort.
Hold the door
Figure out locks. Most people don’t have locks on their bedroom doors and if you have small children, or pre-teens, or teens—okay, if you have kids of any age—you probably don’t want to install locks. A chair wedged up against the doorknob is an easy fix, or if your house has multiple bathrooms we suggest you make use of the one that receives the least amount of foot traffic.
Make it a quickie
Keep it quick. This is not the occasion to try out Tantric sex for the first time. Make things speedy and efficient.
It’s all a game to you, isn’t it?
Make a game plan with your partner and have a code word or phrase so that you don’t miss any opportunities to score an empty house. We suggest something along the lines of “Let’s wrap the rest of the presents.” Everyone likes wrapping approximately 1.3 presents and then realizes it’s the worst, so there’s no chance you’ll have people asking to join you in the pre-designated wrapping area.