What would Chris Brown do to soothe his own wounded soul in the wake of yet another (allegedly) violent outburst? Why, he’d paint a picture of Jesus on the cross, of course. Then he’d Instagram it. With the caption “Painting the way I feel today.”
Yes, Chris Brown really did these things, on a canvas pad and then on the Internet late yesterday. Which can only mean: a) Chris Brown sees himself as Jesus Christ; b) Chris Brown believes he is a martyr being crucified by the media/Frank Ocean/society/whatever; c) Chris Brown feels as if he is dying so that your sins may be forgiven; d) Chris Brown is The All Time Worst; and e) All of the above.
“Focus on what matters!” Brown added in the post, just confusing the message a little more while doling out some totally useful advice for the faithful.
In case you missed the story yesterday, here’s why Brown was striking his Jesus Christ pose yesterday: As reported elsewhere on these pages, rising R&B sensation Frank Ocean (think of him as the Anti-Chris — likable, sublimely talented, cool, out-of-the-closet bisexual, not known to have ever laid a savage beating on a woman…) tweeted on Sunday night that he’d been “jumped” by Brown and some henchmen in a dispute over a parking space at an L.A. recording studio. There are two sides of the story:
— Frank’s is that he cut his finger in the melee. He jokingly lamented that his Bernese mountain dog, Everest, wasn’t there to back him up. The New York Post says witnesses told police that Chris threw the first punch at Ocean. (Ocean remained at the scene to talk to police too. Brown didn’t, so now the cops are reportedly looking to chat with him because he is under investigation for suspected assault.)
— Chris’ is that he’s innocent of wrongdoing (TMZ‘s sources claimed he was approaching Ocean to “shake his hand” when Ocean attacked him… yeahriiiiight…). It is also, apparently, that he is the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world.
Because really, it isn’t easy being Breezy. In fact, it’s lugging-a-cross-up-a-hill-and-being-executed-on-it-because-you-are-the-Messiah hard. Seriously, like we needed another reason to love to hate this goofball.
Even the turn-the-other-cheekiest of Christians are bound to be at least a little put off by the audacity of Brown’s comparison, if not by his tacky portrait of a cartoonishly six-packed J.C.— and his flat-out lazy representations of Barabbas and the other guy. But artists, for better or worse, have been using Christ imagery to express themselves and their self-pity for centuries, so it’s not just a matter of his brand of metaphor. It’s that he sees himself, once again, as a great and divine victim whose own sins are far outweighed by the unfair torment he suffers at the hands of a public that fails to appreciate how great and divine he is.
On the other hand — and all narcissism and persecution complexes aside — here’s hoping Brown makes a habit of taking up his paintbrush and immediately posting the results every single time he’s fuming mad or in a sulk or feelin’ blue or, heck, just livin’ large at the top o’ the world. Because those will be some hilarious paintings. Especially his courtroom illustrations after Frank Ocean presses charges.