Russell Brand: Get me into Scientology, Tom Cruise

Sadly, Brand never learned the secret knock.
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Warren L. Waterman, April 19, 2013 2:39:51 PM

Russell Brand is a Scientology reject. Last Tuesday night, the comedian confessed to Conan O’Brien that try as he might, he couldn’t get his Rock of Ages co-star, Tom Cruise, to recruit him into the church’s fold. That’s right, the celebrity-obsessed organization, whose biggest compound is located smack in the centre of Hollywood didn’t want the successful British funny man to join its ranks of donors devotees. Or at least, it’s most famous poster boy didn’t want him.

After Brand told his host about his completely normal, not at all disturbing desire to have a foursome with the Kardashian sisters (generously including a description of Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe as “a beautiful brown lactating buffet”), talk turned to the topic of Cruise.

“That man had no interest in getting me into Scientology at all,” the actor told Conan. According to Brand, no matter how many times he broached the topic of religion, the movie star never took the bait. The comedian recalls telling Tom that he sometimes felt “a bit lost in life.” Cruise’s advice, says Brand, was to “read the Bible.”

Cruise probably knows the Testaments (Old and New) like the back of David Miscavige’s hand, he used to aspire to the priesthood after all… before he was kicked out of seminary school. Maybe he still picks up the good book once in a while when Dianetics isn’t cutting it. But Brand wasn’t looking for Corinthians’ soothing psalms, and he pretended to feel felt slighted by Cruise’s rebuff. “If there’s a cult that [doesn’t] want me, I want to know why!” he joked.

But time heals all wounds: these days, Brand has only nice things to say about his distinguished co-star. He claims Cruise “is a glorious man, and is very kind and sweet.”

“That’s what you got to say,” adds Brand, alluding to the kind of power that goes with Cruise’s A-list status, “if you want to continue to work in the film industry.”

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Warren L. Waterman

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