Remember the innocent days when crazed celebrity stalkers just broke into their victims’ homes, ate their pastries and ran a bubble bath?
Thanks to the troubled individual who recently became a house guest at Jennifer Lopez‘s Hamptons estate, our innocence will forever be lost in the weeds (you’ll see what I mean in a bit).
According to the New York Post, John Dubis, 49, was caught hanging out uninvited in J.Lo’s pad, only he’d allegedly been there already for SIX DAYS before anyone noticed.
As Michael K over at Dlisted brilliantly noted: You know your house is too damn big when creepy stalkers can squat for almost a week.
Of course, the star wasn’t staying at her property during this time, so it’s not like she was in the west wing of her house while Dubis held court, undetected, in the east, having tea parties with the twins and posing dramatically in the doorway while wearing one of Jenny’s old negligees.
He was actually staying in the guest house, which I guess is harder to keep track of than the main property.
But the story is still so, so weird, particularly since the guy didn’t even try to hide the fact that he was there. Apparently, he left his car parked out front for all to see [Tip-off No. 1: Wouldn't a car under $100K stick out in this environment?] and, best of all, posted photos of his Weekend at Jenny’s vacation online.
He also told police that he did some fixing up around the property.
Is Jennifer’s security detail Paul Blart? The guys who always fall asleep in front of the camera monitors in every movie about dumb security guards?
Anyway, he probably could have gone on forever except an employee with a working set of eyes managed to FINALLY SEE THE INTRUDER as he stood nonchalantly on the back porch. HE WASN’T EVEN TRYING TO HIDE, SECURITY PEOPLE!
Especially because the story really starts to get creepy. I’m not kidding. If you’re sensitive to bodily fluids in any way stop reading now.
Dubis allegedly told everyone, including police, he was the father of Jenny’s twins and that he had choked the chicken on her lawn in order to “spread his seed throughout the world.” What the – I … ugh I can’t even. Jenny, time for some pavement.
I don’t have a lot of empathy for rich and famous celebrities, but this is one of those occasions when I can say DAMN, it sucks to be a celebrity sometimes.
Apparently J.Lo is non-plussed, letting other people deal with it, and is currently vacationing at her Hamptons estate. She doesn’t mess around.