Oh the fraught drama that men dressed up as teenage reptiles can induce! Last year, the internet nearly buckled under the collective outcry of online rage as millennials took to their computers to express their ire over Michael Bay rebooting Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Since then, production shut down and an unused script was leaked. But now, after seven months of Bay-free news, it seems the Transformers Turtles are back. Set for release in June 2014, Deadline confirmed who our “edgy, loveable aliens” will be: nobodies.
Should that sound unduly harsh, we apologize. To be fair, the turtles generally aren’t played by megastars, as many well-known faces don’t like roles which mask their visages. (Fun fact: in 2008, Matt Hill, who played Raphael in Turtles III ran across the 49th parallel and the perimeter of the United States to raise awareness for environmental action.) Last week, we learned that Alan Ritchson will play Raphael, the shell-backed leader. Best known for being really good-looking (and often semi-nude, according to Google images), he’s had a small part on Smallville, but will most likely break-out in the upcoming Hunger Games sequel. The rest of the green team will be played by Pete Ploszek (Leonardo), Jeremy Howard (Donatello), and Noel Fisher (Michaelangelo).
If those names don’t ring a bell fear not, they shouldn’t. FilmDrunk made a breakdown of what these actors are best known for, which cumulatively isn’t too much. Ploszek has been on Parks and Rec, Howard pulls up a blank, and Fisher (who hails from Vancouver), is best know for playing Vladimir in Twilight.
Casting newcomers can work, especially in a reboot which gives the project an aura of a fresh slate. In this case, however, it seems more than a little odd to have no star power. Unless, of course, that’s being saved for Splinter, Shredder, and April O’Neil.