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007′s next nemesis could be impotence

Doctors say James Bond drinks too much.
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Corrina Allen, December 17, 2013 10:04:11 AM

Despite his habit of bedding one out of every three women he crosses paths with, James Bond could be living with the SPECTRE (get it?) of impotence at some point in the very near future. This according to the British Medical Journal, which just published a report warning the fictional MI6 spy to curtail his drinking – or else.

Proving that even stuffy British doctors have a sense of humour (or at least get one for the holidays), the Christmas edition of the journal features a study of James Bond’s martini habit. Researchers read 14 of author Ian Fleming’s spy novels and took note each time 007 downed an alcoholic beverage. They found that over the course of 87.5 days, there were only 12.5 on which the top spy didn’t crack a beer or mix himself a cocktail. The study says that Bond imbibes in four times are much alcohol as is deemed safe and healthy for men, often having as many as 92 drinks per week!

The consequences, say the report’s authors, are dire. If the Bond of Fleming’s books continues to carry on this way, he could wind up dead by age 56 after suffering from alcohol-related diseases like cirrhosis, liver disease, and (gasp!) impotence. That’s right, if 007 doesn’t put down the vermouth, he may have to pick up some Viagra.

“The level of functioning as displayed in the books is inconsistent with the physical, mental, and indeed sexual functioning expected from someone drinking this much alcohol,” reports the journal’s study. “We advise an immediate referral for further assessment and treatment, a reduction in alcohol consumption to safe levels, and suspect that the famous catchphrase ‘shaken, not stirred’ could be because of alcohol induced tremor affecting his hands.”

However, for fans of the Bond film franchise there’s less need to worry – the actors who play the secret agent only do so for an average of 3.28 movies. After that, they probably go to some sort of movie spy spa to dry out.

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