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Okay, buckle up, friends, because the State of the Union address by Mr. President Donald John Trump was a wild ride, even though the prez (and the Democrats) looked like he was sedated the entire time. Since we live in Canada, a lot of the technical policy talk doesn’t have a huge effect on us, but it’s still important to stay informed when it comes to our Southern neighbours (if only to understand the political memes that leak onto the open internet).

Since you probably had something better to do on a Tuesday night than spend 80 minutes watching the U.S. president read (with difficulty) off a teleprompter and then another few hours watching Twitter implode and Anderson Cooper slowly go out of his mind, we took care of that for you. You’re welcome.

Here are all the (sort of) important things you missed at the State of the Union yesterday.

Immigration was the central focus

After listing his own accomplishments (that were arguably mostly inherited from Obama) Trump got onto the hottest debate in the country right now: immigration and those pesky illegal immigrants. He outlined four pillars for immigration reform that would actually include a pathway to citizenship for 1.8 million U.S. residents who don’t currently have legal immigration status. That includes a pathway for Dreamers — participants of the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program that has afforded legal status to young people who were brought to the U.S. illegally as children and now hold jobs, attend post-secondary school or are enlisted in the U.S. military. Trump eliminated the program last year and has said that they are working on a fix, but he’s only willing to sign legislation that also gets him his border wall.

While Trump has been generally negative and downright racist toward immigrants, this speech used dog whistle tactics and misleading negative associations to essentially suggest that all immigrants are terrorists and murderers.

He subtweeted, like, a lot

When talking about immigration, Trump barely mentioned the Dreamers at all, instead telling a story about two underage illegal immigrants who joined the MS-13 gang and were convicted in the murder of two teenage girls. Yes, a complete tragedy, but Trump not only invited the grieving families and used their pain for political gain, he framed the story in such a way that suggested all illegal immigrants are violent. His use of this story and omission of any positive stories about Dreamers also strategically makes the suggestion that the Dreamers are dangerous too.

Along the same vein, he didn’t address the issue of NFL anthem protests against police brutality and abuse of power, but pointedly said the men and women in the American military are “why we proudly stand for the anthem,” clearly referencing those who don’t in protest. Here he once again misrepresented a hotly debated topic. Black athletes are not kneeling in protest of the American troops, they are kneeling in protest of how people of colour are treated violently by police.

“Americans are Dreamers too”?

Then the president pulled an “All Lives Matter” on the Dreamers and said that every American has dreams. Sure, we can all dream, but this is a politically charged issue with real people facing deportation from the only country they have ever known. In one fell swoop he has dismissed the Dreamers’ unique struggle (which he has claimed he wants to help with) and returned to catering to his base. Cool.

There were a few tender moments

Credit where credit is due. It is traditional for the president to invite a group of exceptional-yet-everyday Americans to the State of the Union to sit with the First Lady during the speech. There was a man whose business is expanding because of Trump’s tax cuts, a little boy who is endeavoring to lay a flag and carnation on the grave of every U.S. soldier and a man who escaped North Korea, but the real showstopper was Officer Ryan Holets.

Ryan Holets was there to advocate for government assistance for the opioid epidemic sweeping North America. While on patrol one day, Holets found a man and woman preparing to shoot up and approached with the intent to arrest them. When he noticed that the woman was pregnant, he instead offered to get her help adopting out her baby. Holets and his wife already had four kids, but one month later, they welcomed baby Hope into their family as well and are still in contact with her birth parents who are almost 40 days sober.

Teleprompters are difficult, okay!

Enough technical stuff, here are the jokes you need to know about to survive the internet in the coming weeks. As we well know, there are two Trumps in existence: Off-The-Cuff Trump (who insults everyone) and Teleprompter Trump (who sounds like someone is using his body as a puppet). Yesterday we got Teleprompter Trump and as he read, it kind of seemed like he was hearing the words for the first time along with us.

The clapping, oh the clapping

Once you noticed it, you were done for the night. At the SOTU, you expect the president’s party to clap after every line he says, but what we didn’t expect was for the president to clap for himself too. Directly into the mic. More than a few people needed to leave halfway through to collect themselves.

America was built by immigrants but they can stop now

In an attempt to end his speech on a rousing and unifying note (as he claimed he was going to), Trump reminisced about when the great country of America was founded 250 years ago. Except, wait a minute, the country was founded by immigrants … and he just spent more than half an hour talking about how he wanted to pretty much ban immigration. Whoops. Maybe he should have seen Hamilton while he was still living in New York.

Reactions were priceless

This is the age of Twitter so we can and will meme the reactions of the people in the room to make fun of a very serious political event. The first casualty in the reaction games was House Speaker Paul Ryan who looked like the embodiment of the heart-eyes emoji throughout the entire speech.

Then there were the reactions of Democratic leaders Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer. Basically, Schumer looked like he was having a little internal panic session and Pelosi looked like she might chew through her own lip.

The real stars of the show were the members of the Congressional Black Caucus. When Trump mentioned that the unemployment rate for black Americans is at a historic low, this was their reaction.

The official response was done by an actual Kennedy

Trump may have been aiming for unity, but if that was the goal, he was quickly bested by the official Democratic response which was delivered by none other than Rep. Joe Kennedy. Yes, Kennedy, the Dems sure know their branding (even though they’re kind of in disarray right now). He spoke Spanish, called out “bullies” and spoke directly to Dreamers. Overall, people noted that he sounded an awful lot like Barack Obama (which we’re pretty okay with).

Now, you deserve a little break from all this nonsense. Here’s the conclusion of Obama’s final State of the Union address where he literally dropped the mic at the end. Boy, do we miss that guy.

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