When you need to escape reality, Hollywood is where it’s at. But when it comes to real love, we can’t think of a worse place to look for advice. So if you’ve ever found yourself pining for a Hollywood romance, here are 10 awful movie love lessons that prove it’s best to leave that fantasy on the cutting room floor.
1. Sex and The City: The man who never commits will one day commit.
Mr. Big strung Carrie along for years, loving her, leaving her, leaving his wife to love her, then leaving her again. Then when their wedding finally came, he bailed because it was just too big. Boo hoo! A man like this will need serious soul-searching therapy to stay true to his vows.
2. Love Actually: It’s cute to hit on your best friend’s wife.
Considering the subject matter, this scene between Andrew Lincoln and Keira Knightley was tastefully handled, but still: would you want your best friend telling love stories to your spouse? Probably not.
3. The Ugly Truth: Gross misogynists are actually sweet inside.
Sometimes we fall in love with boors, but let’s not start pretending that sexist cads are just one Katherine Heigl away from finding their romantic streak.
4. The Little Mermaid: To find true love, be anyone but yourself.
Ariel literally gives up her voice to woo her Prince, and although she eventually gets it back, the relationship still requires a massive reconfiguration of her lower extremities to work. Not cool.
5. Knocked Up: A baby will get that relationship going.
Newborns destroy all sleep and they poop and puke on everything. They’re a test for even the most committed, loving couples, and having one is the unlikeliest way to turn a one-night-stand between two people with little in common into a lasting partnership.
6. Beauty and The Beast: The love of the man who locks you up will set you free.
Stockholm syndrome is the name of a psychological disorder but Disney treats it like a solid tactic for nurturing true romance.
7. No Strings Attached: Women are incapable of casual relationships.
Oh sure, Natalie Portman, you say you don’t want anything serious, but we all know that ladies never want sex as much as they want marriage and babies. Barf!
8. Pretty in Pink: A man can be good or good-looking, not both.
When faced with the choice of hooking up with a best friend – a good guy who didn’t turn her on – or the handsome guy who blew her off, Molly Ringwald went for the hunk. We can’t blame her, but for the love of scrunchies, there are other options.
9. As Good As It Gets: You probably can’t do any better, might as well stop being alone.
It’s not easy raising an asthmatic son on waitress wages in pre-Obamacare America. But we’d rather see Helen Hunt arrange a platonic partnership with Greg Kinnear’s gay character than settle for a man who does little but berate her. Is it romantic that he’s old and may die and leave her his money? Didn’t think so.
10. Twilight: The man who says he may kill you is actually going to save you.
So what if vampires have different standards? There’s nothing sweet about your boyfriend saying he might kill you. NOTHING.