In case you were curious about the trajectory of the Kardashian-Jenner empire, it has been revealed: Kim, Khloe, Kylie and Kendall have all released paid apps/sites that give you exclusive-ish access to their lives. It’s like a lifestyle site, except they are charging you money. And that’s because unlike Gwyneth Paltrow‘s Goop or Blake Lively‘s Preserve, the K-Js are selling themselves, not artisan ointments.
For now, new users will be getting seven days of unlimited access to the sites. Afterwards, early adopters will get a subscription discount of $2.99 per month. All you’re required to do before you start paying is release your credit card information now – it’s how porn websites have always done it. But instead of just throwing your money away, why not let us tell you what’s great about these sites as they exist right now:
- You can learn how to dress like a two-year-old child. Ever been curious about how a toddler gets her hardened, “New York City Edge” look? No? Okay, but what if we told you that this very topic is covered on Kim Kardashian’s new site. Evidently North West lives in her Peas and Queues sweatshirt, and loves playing with her mom’s Jacob & Co. jewellery. “And I let her,” Kim writes. We just hope there aren’t any loose precious jewels on those things… for the baby’s sake.
- You have to pay if you want to have intercourse with Khloe Kardashian. Everyone has their dos and don’ts when it comes to dating. One of the pillars of Khloe’s dating rules is … if he doesn’t pay for the meal, they’re not having sex. On the matter, she writes, “He should pay the bill – and if not, then we’re not f–king. Sorry!”
- Kendall offers cleaning porn. No, really, there is a video that is just her with a GoPro camera on while she cleans her closet.
- Watch Kylie get injected with a needle. Have an insatiable urge to see young women getting needles shoved into their lips? Well, it’s right here on Kylie’s site.
- Kim writes like a teen girl with a fashion blog. On her recent New York Fashion Week style blunder: “We always loved a lacey look! I’m so happy with this look! Loved the accessories too! So chic and cool.” So many exclamations!
- Khloe recommends some hideous clothes. For example, wearing a latex catsuit with above-the-knee blue suede cowboys as a “plane-to-party” look. Ha.
- Kim loves bombs. And just because her face can cost more than $2,500, she recommends a $5 bath bomb from Lush for “you time”.
- Kim will fly for food. She is writing pregnancy diaries and has revealed that she flew to New Orleans specifically for 10 Cafe du Monde beignets.
- Kim watches family-friendly programming. During this pregnancy, she spends time watching Family Feud with her fam.
- Kylie’s feature “Help! My Face is F–ked!” has a Canadian angle. She tapped Gigi Gorgeous (formerly Gregory Gorgeous of Toronto reality show The Avenue) to do makeup tutorials for girls who have seriously jacked up faces thanks to some fairly common makeup errors.