Men of the world, accept this truth: your wife wouldn’t mind a thoughtful gift on Valentine’s Day. Even if she insists that she’s not about this commercial day of love, you better believe that she’s secretly pining for some token of your affection. If you don’t want to find yourself in the dog house for getting her something clichéd or boring, follow our advice and avoid these 10 Valentine’s Day gift don’ts. Happy humping.
10 Valentine’s Day gifts your wife really doesn’t want
Appliances and ElectronicsDon’t even dream of buying her an appliance unless you’re 110 per cent sure she really wants that KitchenAid stand mixer on February 14th (she probably doesn’t). And if you do get a gadget, remember, it should be something that’s specifically for her (and not an item you secretly want (or want her to use).
Stylish tech accessories abound, so look for her favourite designer and chances are they also make a cool add-on for her phone or tablet. A few usual suspects include Michael Kors, Kate Spade and Tory Burch.
Here’s what you get: Tory Burch for Fitbit Fret Pendant Necklace. $175 at Tory Burch. Photo credit: Thinkstock
A Family AffairThere are some who believe a family-focused Valentine’s Day is a great idea, because it takes the pressure off of people when it comes to making big romantic overtures. This idea should be squashed like a bug. This is time for you and your honey and no one else.
Call the grandparents, call a babysitter, call Ghostbusters—do what you can to unload the offspring. The objective is romance and you need to feel like a carefree couple again (one without a backed-up toilet and a baby who isn’t potty trained yet). Avoid the restaurants (they’ll be packed anyway), rev up the Netflix and make a home-cooked meal for your wife.
Here’s what you get: Personal Chef, $395 + tax and gratuity at The Chef UpstairsPhoto credit: Thinkstock
Sex CouponsA booklet full of pre-selected sexual acts that she can redeem whenever she pleases—sounds like a great idea, doesn’t it? But, is this a gift for her or for you? Be honest!
A gift card to her favourite store or mall is a more thoughtful gift (save the $20 Shoppers Drug Mart gift card or Esso gas card for another day).
Here’s what you get: Etsy gift card, $25 - $250 at EtsyPhoto credit: someecards
Novelty JewelleryNo heart pendants encrusted in diamonelle, okay? No charm bracelets with L-O-V-E initials hanging off of ‘em. No rose gold earrings featuring teddy bears in a warm embrace. In other words: no novelty jewellery, please. She’s not 11 years old.
Gifts of jewellery should be a keepsake that she can wear anytime of the year, and should speak to her personal style. And, if you can’t afford real diamonds, go for Swarovski crystals.
Here’s what you get: Swarovski Tennis Bracelet, $125 at Swarovski Photo credit: Thinkstock
Stuffed AnimalsBig Ears Teddy ruined it for all plush animals from here on out. Also: your bae is not a 12-year-old girl.
What’s a better idea? Duh, a real puppy. (If you’re going this route, you should be living together. No one wants a dog drop-off for a gift that you aren’t obligated to help take care of.)
Here's what you get: Puppy, priceless at your local Humane Society.Photo credit: Thinkstock
Clichéd Sex ToysThe Rabbit? Really? It’s not 1998 anymore. She probably already owns one anyway (it’s like the training bra of sex toys).
Check out the We-Vibe, a popular brand of vibrators for couples. You’ll both be saying, “Mmm… feels so good.”
Here’s what you get: We-Vibe 4 Plus, $189 at We-Vibe Photo credit: Thinkstock
Celebrity ScentsThey make rich, famous people richer and more famous, but they don’t always smell that great. Taylor Swift’s got a lot of catchy songs, but an olfactory muse she is not. We’re looking at you too, Lady Gaga.
Avoid this fragrance fail and stick to luxury and designer brands: for the classic woman, anything Chanel (Chanel No. 5, Coco Madamoiselle, Chance) and for a trendier woman, Marc Jacobs (Lola, Honey, Daisy).
Here’s what you get: Marc Jacobs Daisy, $85 at SephoraPhoto credit: Thinkstock
Fugly FlowersDon’t pick up a bouquet of flowers from the convenience store. Or, the gas station. Or, the newsstand. Last-minute bouquets suck, and she knows. They’re also over-priced and laced with Baby’s Breath—that’s filler foliage and it’s tacky as hell.
You can never go wrong with a dozen, classic roses, or if you know your lady well, surprise her with her favourites. Do be sure to have them delivered to the office (she won’t admit it, but she really wants all the other women to be jealous).
Here’s what you get: Pink petal roses, $40 at 1-800-FlowersPhoto credit: Thinkstock
Budget ChocolateThe supermarket is not a confectionery shop. Do you really expect to get decadent, quality chocolate in an aisle over from the frozen shrimp rings? You think about that…
Any chocolate presented to your boo should feature two names: yours, “Godiva” or, something French. If that box is labelled with anything else, you may not get a chance to see her box.
Here’s what you get: GODIVA Gold Ballotin 105 pieces, $130 at The BayPhoto credit: Thinkstock
Cheap LingerieIf you think inexpensive, scratchy fabric rubbing up against her lady bits is going to go over well, you are lucky to even have a wife.
Don’t cheap out on lingerie—it’s the most intimate item that will touch her body. Agent Provocateur is the Mercedes Benz of pretty under things, but unless you’re banked it will send you to the poor house.
Here’s what you get: Darling by Victoria’s Secret Peek-a-Boo Babydoll, $58 at Victoria’s Secret Photo credit: Thinkstock