David Cronenberg’s Maps to the Stars and Olivier Assayas’ Clouds of Sils Maria have casts packed with glamorous Hollywood stars like Kristen Stewart, Julianne Moore, Robert Pattinson, Chloe Grace Moretz and Juliette Binoche, however, the behind-the-scenes insider’s look at life on the A-list found in both films might give you a new appreciation for your civilian status.
These stars-playing-stars definitely have their share of bad days (in fact, some of them have been having an entirely bad year). If we’re to believe Croenberg and Assayas, life as a celebrity — despite all the perks — may not be so perfect after all. Here’s why:
1) They have terrible fights with their closest friends
The difference is that when celebs have a friend fallout, they just fire them and hire a new one (which says something about the quality of the friendship to begin with). In Clouds of Sils Maria Juliette Binoche’s character has Kristen Stewart’s as her personal assistant — and best friend and confidant and rehearsal partner and dinner date and drinking buddy and psychotherapist. It all works nicely until she decides to have her own opinions. When you’re paying for friendships, the least your employee/pal can do is agree with you all the time, right?
2) There’s always someone younger who’s after their job
Stressed out by the naked ambition of the social media-savvy whippersnapper that just joined your office’s marketing department? Try dealing with a 17-year-old who wants to knock you off the cover of Vogue — or take over the role that made your career à la Chloe Grace Moretz in Clouds.
3) They get stuck doing crappy jobs
Never mind Julianne Moore and Chloe Grace Moretz having to do that terrible remake of Carrie ahead of their 2014 TIFF movies, think about the jobs stars do before (or worse — after) they’re famous. Robert Pattinson’s out of work D-list actor character on Maps to the Stars pays the between-gigs-bills by driving B-list actors around in a limo. And performing sexual favours for…tips? Well, we hope he got tipped.
4) Their relationships fall apart
…and the news is all over the Internet the next day. And you thought changing your Facebook status to “it’s complicated” sucked. Not only does Moretz’s Clouds of Sils Maria character encounter romantic trials and tribulations, but the uglier things get, the more coverage the media gives them.
5) They get messages from weirdos on social media
Sure, those emails you keep fielding from some down-and-out Nigerian Prince are annoying (how’d he get your address anyway?) but imagine receiving an endless stream of private Twitter messages from emotionally unstable fans the way Carrie Fisher (playing Carrie Fisher) does in Maps to the Stars. Pro tip: if you ever become famous, make sure you hire your own IT manager. The younger, the better.
6) They’ve got family drama
You know your uncle who gets drunk at every family dinner and tells off-colour, unfunny jokes to your new boyfriend? Well, in Cronenberg’s movie, one child star’s parents are close blood relatives and his sister has a real penchant for arson. Feel better?
7) They get constipated
Picture this: beautiful, ethereal Julianne Moore sitting atop a throne (of the porcelain variety) and screaming at her assistant to go buy her some laxatives. At least us regular people get to poop in privacy.
8) They keep calm and carry on…until they don’t
Nothing ruins the zen vibes you get from a good yoga practice like finding out you might not get to play the role made famous by your dead, abusive, movie star mother. Living up to the unreasonably high expectations of your parent’s ghost is so stressful, right?
9) They have a hard time being alone
Especially when you leave them in the mountains without a map or a clue of how to get home. We can’t tell you how many times K-Stew’s done that to us, too.
10) Their dinner plans get ruined
Your babysitter bails. Your kid comes down with the flu. Hordes of paparazzi from every major news outlet block your driveway so that you’ve got zero chance of being able to back out without running one of them down and racking up another personal injury lawsuit. Sometimes that dinner date just wasn’t meant to be. Actually, we bet stars’ reservations get cancelled more often than ours do.