Maybe your strangest crush ever was on an anonymous person who never smiled, wore a lot of leather, and worked at a mall kiosk refilling colour printer ink cartridges… or maybe it was a someone known to millions of Potterverse fans as Credence Barebone. Each is, to some degree, a fiction – you don’t actually know the inkjet goth nor do you know the actor who plays Mr. Barebone (who is, most likely, nothing like his character). And yet, the weird, inexplicable crush lingers leading you to pray for an unending string of sequels or reboots or whatever Hollywood is willing to give you (desperate times, okay?). Afterall, the studios know what they’re doing when they hire a particular actor to play an onscreen weirdo – they want some deep, dark part of us to find that character alluring. And we do. We’re just not going to tell our friends about it.
We bet at least one of these strange babes is on your list:
Barebone devotees swear that all he needs is a decent haircut and Fantastic Beasts’ Credence would be a total hottie. Picky potential partners may also demand that he develop some self-confidence (and maybe a way of keeping the whole Obscurus thing in check). But those eyes…
Speaking of haircuts, is the reason behind this Javier Bardem character’s murderous rage his own unfortunate ‘do? The No Country For Old Men hitman’s favoured method of execution (a cattle gun) is particularly brutal and the Coen brothers interpreted his psychopathic character as “death incarnate” which, let’s admit it, is pretty hot.
Pros: physically, Jaime Lannister is a golden god. Cons: he only has eyes for Cersei, his… sister. For most people, this is probably both a deal-breaker and a serious red flag. And yet.
Adam Driver’s acting career has gifted us with so many options for weirdo crushes. From his time playing Adam on Girls to his ongoing role as dark side baddie in the new Star Wars movies, Driver perpetually plays the jerk we love to love and hate (because aren’t those two emotions just different sides of the same coin?).
Opinions about the relative attractiveness of actor Steve Buscemi may vary, but it’s impossible to deny that he’s never looked or been cooler than while playing Mr. Pink in Reservoir Dogs. The suits, the Ray-Bans! Mr. Pink even pulls off some tacky Hawaiian shirts that a lesser man could not have. The downside? He’s a bad tipper.
Anyone? Hello? You know it’s Bill Skarsgård under there, don’t you?
Kumail Nanjiani’s Silicon Valley character is awkward, insecure, and badly dressed. He spends all of his time in front of a computer in a house that you can tell, just by looking at it through your TV screen, smells baaaad. He is literally the guy who buys an expensive car to feel better about himself. So what is it about Dinesh’s particular aroma of desperation that we find so intoxicating? If we ever figure it out, we’ll let you know.
The 11th Doctor
Doctor Who’s Eleventh Doctor wears silly bow ties that he insists are cool and is known to occasionally sport a fez. His favourite meal is fish sticks with vanilla custard. Does he have eyebrows? We’re never sure. Is he a bit childish? See: favourite meal. Would we make out with him? Absolutely (see: hair, cheekbones).
Even after acknowledging and accepting the fact that any future biological children are likely to inherit Vulcan ears (pretty sure that gene is dominant), we still can’t quash our crush on Star Trek’s original Spock, Leonard Nimoy. It’s the eyebrows. ( And FYI: Kirk is totally basic. Don’t @ us.)
Rapper/actor Lakeith Stanfield plays one of the most esoteric characters on the oft surreal show, Atlanta. He speaks in riddles and koans and doesn’t seem to have a job other than hanging around his successful friend, Paper Boi. It’s unclear if he’s ever had an S.O. And yet, there’s just something philosophical (and sexy) about the way he talks. Are those spells he’s reciting? Because we are entranced.
Rhys Ifans’ rangy, underdressed Notting Hill character was supposed to be the foil to Hugh Grant’s well-coiffed, buttoned-up leading man, but this was the ‘90s and grunge (even in it’s more extreme forms) was still in. For those of us not into Grant’s Brooks Brothers vibe, Spike was IT.