For some, Valentine’s Day is less a celebration of love and more an outlet for negative energy. We call these people “haters,” and, as always, we lovingly embrace them.
There is some truth in the harsh words of the Valentine’s Day Scrooge. Part of that rage comes from a place of reason — what is the deal with cinnamon hearts, for realz?
It’s usually best to just let them do their thing — they’ll tire themselves out eventually. And then, once they give in to the deep slumber that follows their rage, sneak up, give them a hug and leave a Happy Valentine’s Day card on their pillow. Extra glitter.
Here’s the complete list of things that annoy the s**t out of Valentine’s-haters.
The colour pink
Face it, it’s just watered down red. At least Christmas and Halloween had the smarts to pick a couple of colours to represent them. Sure, St. Patrick’s Day is just green, but at least you get to drink on that one.
Rom-coms on every channel
Hugh Grant must love Valentine’s Day. He’s on basically every channel for 48 hours straight, and you know he’s feeling that bump in royalty payments. We’re renting The Matrix. Who’s coming over?
Cheesy, pink $10 cards
Nothing says I love you like taking 45 seconds out of your day to stop at Shoppers Drugmart for a card. Admit it, you’re doing it for the Optimum points.
Facebook love notes when you’re sitting on the same couch
We get it, you #adore each other, but please, let’s leave the Facebook fawning for those in long distance relationships who don’t have the pleasure of saying “I love you” in person.
Cupid has got to be the most ridiculous god in Greek mythology. He’s basically a little raver who runs around naked, drugging people with ecstasy-laced arrows. Not cool, man. It’s called consent. If anyone shoots us with a plastic arrow, we swear to God we’ll break it in half.
Candygrams were invented for people who were too busy (aka didn’t care enough to make time) to deliver a gift to their alleged loved one themselves. And on this particularly ghastly holiday, they’re likely to be filled with…
Let’s call these what they are: hard candies that are misshapen circles that burn your tongue when you eat them. You don’t subject yourself to hard cinnamon bonbons any other day of the year, so why do it now?
Speaking of hearts, have you ever even seen one? Like, a real one? We bet that if we showed you a whole heart right now, you’d pass out. It’s about the least romantic thing we can think of; a big hunk of flesh responsible for pumping blood throughout the body. Liver-shaped lollipop anyone? How about a cuddly intestine plush toy with little arms and legs? Straight creepy.
Two words: couples deals
The only buy-one-get-one-free deal we want to be a part of on V-Day is the one where we eat two whole pizzas alone on our couch. Bah humbug.
Couples who get engaged on Valentine’s Day
Just watch, they’ll get married on New Year’s Eve, too.
It’s. Everywhere! Seriously, we burned that card last week before it could shed its shiny plastic bits all over the house! So why are our socks still covered in sparkles?!