News of another Bourne movie surfaced months ago but Matt Damon has finally confirmed that he and director Paul Greengrass are reuniting for a 2016 return. Squeeeeee! In light of the news, let’s look back at some of the things Jason Bourne has taught us and try to wait patiently for 2016 to get here already.
This is how you take down a couple of guys without killing them
Sometimes all you gotta do is incapacitate them.
How to defend yourself when you only have household items handy
If someone pulls a knife on you, grab a magazine (or newspaper), roll it up tightly and use it to deflect the blows or just as a weapon on its own.
Also, a pen works just as well, maybe even better
Ballpoint, in particular.
This is the best way to distract a sniper
Heavy smoke and fast running is ideal but also, create noise and throw anything (rocks, rice grains, firecrackers, whatever) as far away from you as possible. This will not only suss out a well-hidden sharp-shooter but give you a few precious seconds to get somewhere safer. Or if you’re more aggressive, a jump on your would-be attacker.
Dead people make great protection
Need to get down a winding stairwell in a jiffy? All you need to do is take down the biggest, closest baddie and ride his corpse to the ground floor like a magic carpet. It’ll hurt a smidge but nothing like it would if you didn’t have his body as a giant cushion.
Car chases aren’t that hard to navigate
When fleeing authorities or bad guys, stairs, people, guardrails, other cars? Pshaw. Just pretend your car is in a pinball machine and any and every obstacle is fair game. Brace yourself for all kinds of impact and leave a ton of wreckage in your wake to slow down the chase even further.
Know where all the exits are
Keep a cool head and be aware of any building’s evacuation plans. That’ll get you out of a jam in a hurry.
Stalk the person who’s hunting you down
Nothing’s creepier than being watched — and nothing beats a little role reversal. Hey, the killer in Scream isn’t the only person who can freak someone’s freak via phone call.
And to think, all Jason wanted to do was have a much-deserved rest on a park bench.
Vodka isn’t just for drinking
It’s one thing to spit in an officer’s face and temporarily blind him, but hork also works as a great local anesthetic to disinfect any injuries or knife or gunshot wounds, whatever the case may be. Pour, compress and hope for the best. And maybe take another swig.
Working alone isn’t always ideal
Sometimes being part of a team can be amazing too.