December 23 isn’t just another day to put together all of those last-minute holiday preparations. If you’re anything like the Costanzas, it’s your annual day to break out the ol’ Festivus pole and air all of your grievances about your loved ones near and dear.
In honour of that tradition, we’ve cobbled together a few grievances we’ve been building up over the past year, too – only these ones are targeted at some of our dearest “friends.”
1. Robert Durst
We know, Robbie. You probably thought you were about to have the year of your life when HBO decided to make a documentary about you. Here’s an idea, though, Robert – how about the next time you make a confession to yourself in the mirror, you take OFF the microphones first? Also, please don’t come find us and murder us in our sleep.
2. Charlie Sheen
Hey Charlie, we’re truly sorry about your latest medical problems. HIV sucks and we wouldn’t wish it on anyone. However, the fact that you only came forward because it was getting too expensive to keep paying people off is ridiculous. Maybe you should go drink some more tiger blood and think about what you did.
3. John Stamos
John, John, John. This was supposed to be your year. Between the Fuller House revival and your new show Grandfathered, why you gotta go rack up them DUIs? At least you’re getting treatment. That’s more than we can say for some of your other colleagues.
4. Donald Trump
We should have known something was off from the moment you started calling yourself ‘The Donald.’ But whatever, we’re all entitled to our own monikers. What we can’t believe are the comments that you keep insisting on making. You got what you wanted; people are taking your campaign seriously. So why can’t you actually take it seriously? Okay you’re right… we’re scared you are.
5. Miley Cyrus
You have such a beautiful voice, and we think you’re wicked funny. But could you tone down the outfits even just a little? They’re beyond attention-seeking and have become something of a distraction. Besides, we’re cold half the time just looking at you.
6 and 7. Gavin Rossdale and Ben Affleck
You were both married to beautiful, talented women and hardworking moms. So we ask you: the nanny? Really? We thought men got over that cliche ages ago.
8. Terrence Howard
Hey Terrence, remember when you were cast on two hit Fox television shows – Wayward Pines and Empire – even after you were involved in a domestic abuse situation? Well, there’s that whole mess, and we’re still wrapping our heads around some of your new theologies. One times one equals two? Really? Please stop using your role model status for these purposes, dude.
9. Jon Snow
Hey man, either you’re dead or alive. But we’re kind of over the not knowing already. What kind of closure are you leaving your loved ones? (This grievance doubles up for all you people behind the making of the hit HBO series Game of Thrones.)
10. Kylie Jenner
Kylie, you’re a really, really pretty girl with lots of great ideas and a bright future. But for the love of God, please stop encouraging young ladies to copy your “Kylie lips”, while at the same time trying to trademark your name. It’s a little… hypocritical, don’t ya think?
11. Tom Brady
Did those deflated footballs really help you guys win the Super Bowl? Was it worth it? Well congrats – you’re forevermore known as the QB with the deflated balls. Good thing you’ve got such a purdy wife.
12. Ariana Grande
We just want to know: who licks donuts and puts them back? And if you are going to pull such a Kindergarten-level stunt, why on Earth would you let yourself be caught on film?!
13. Scott Disick
Scotty, we need to have a heart-to-heart. First you cheat on your main squeeze Kourtney, then you prove that you’re probably the world’s worst dad thanks to your well-documented partying? Get it together man, and make some rehab stick.
Check out Seinfeld’s “The Strike” on Crave TV (Season 9, Episode 10) for all your Festivus needs. If you want to catch up with Scott Disick and Kylie Jenner, keep up with the Kardashians at e! And, if you’re into the idea of learning more about Robert Durst, The Jinx’s six episodes are back on HBO Canada in the new year. Happy Festivus to one and all!