Back when you first started dating, things were so much easier. You only had yourselves to think about and time practically stood still. You could do whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted, wherever you wanted — and like Shakira, you did it whenever, wherever. You two were on fire.
Then kids came along. And somehow they drain their parents’ libidos like a tiny vampire in pigtails. And, yes, they are your reason for living, you couldn’t imagine life without them, and you wouldn’t change a damn thing. But remember those days when you and your significant other used to get busy, sometimes a few times a day? Nah, neither do we. The realities of life today are more like…
You kind of need to be in the same room but one of you continuously nods off while putting the kids to bed, leaving the other to sleep in your bed all by their lonesome.
Who was it that thought co-sleeping was a good idea? You wonder as you practically require binoculars to see your partner waaaaaay over there on the other side of the bed.
Start your engines
Kicking sexytime off is the hardest part. But we’re sure that even though it put you behind schedule, after you and your partner did the deed, you probably thought, “Damn, that was fantastic. I’m so glad we did that!” Until next time.
Based on your kids’ sleep patterns, you can get up before dawn to do it, have late night nookie or go to town during their weekend naps. Sure, it’s on the little ones’ schedules but you’ll take it any way you can get it.
A full day at the office, commuting to and from, picking up the kids, taking them to practice, figuring out dinner, then lunches for the following day and all you want to do when all that is over is put your feet up. And not in the sexy, around his neck kind of way.
Locked and loaded
Someone suggested we get a lock for our bedroom door. Please. If we can’t find the time to have sex then we certainly don’t have the time to go to the hardware store, find a lock or a replacement knob with a lock, and install it.
Fake it ’til you make it
Pretending to enjoy sex during the act because it’s easier to give in and/or gets it over with faster is just part parent life, right?
Hitting the spot
The shower is too different (pfft, when was the last time you showered in peace?), the kitchen is gross, the basement couch is dusty and the car is uncomfortable — plus, you’re not as bendy as you used to be. That leaves anywhere that’s not home.
Sleepy and hollow
Sometimes sleep becomes the most fun thing you and your person want to do and if it’s with each other, even better.
Track it like it’s hot
You have an app that reminds you when your period is coming and in the app’s calendar you can also keep track of how often you’re intimate. If it wasn’t for that, you’d have no clue when the last time you did it was.
Scarred for life
At one time you walked in on your parents and you won’t ever look at a box of ribbed Trojans the same way every again. And you’d be a terrible parent if you didn’t want to avoid the same thing for your kids.
Long-term pain for short-term gain
It’ll be, at best, 10 minutes of missionary because it’s easy and gets you both off without causing any significant stress to our shoulders, knees and lower back pain.
Having to be as quiet as possible during sex is probably the least sexy kind of sex because it’s usually quick and dirty.