Shamrocks, leprechauns and copious amounts of alcohol – who doesn’t love Saint Patrick’s Day? But as much fun as it is to down a pint of Guinness while being decked out in green, we can’t help but find the whole binge drinking aspect of this celebration a bit, well, daft! The fact is, alcohol has absolutely nothing to do with this Irish celebration. It simply began as a feast to honour Saint Patrick for bringing Christianity to Ireland. The whole “boozing” aspect of Saint Patrick’s Day that we associate with it has far less to do with the day itself than it does with many North American’s views that stereotype the Irish – that they sit around in pubs all day drinking beer. And that’s just not true!
But if you’re feeling upset that I’ve taken away one of your favourite justifications for getting drunk in the middle of the afternoon, don’t worry. Here are 14 excuses for getting wasted that make way more sense than Saint Patrick’s Day.
1. It makes you more creative
It’s no coincidence that Hemingway, Steinbeck and van Gogh were all raging alcoholics. Research shows that alcohol has the ability to increase our levels of creativity. And since I’m sure we can all agree that creativity is a good thing, we can also probably agree that drinking an entire bottle of wine in the name of “art” is occasionally a perfectly fine thing to do, right?
2. It’s payday
What’s the point of working a soul-crushing nine-to-five job if you don’t spend the weekend after payday blowing the majority of your money on booze? You spend 40 hours a week chained to your desk writing emails, answering phone calls and pretending to like your coworkers. Not only can you now afford to have a bit of a bender, but you downright deserve it.
3. You’re cooking dinner
Everyone knows that cooking dinner and drinking wine go together. Why else would so many recipes call for wine as one of the ingredients? And once you open a bottle of red to use in your bœuf bourguignon, you might as well just finish the whole thing (even if the recipe only calls for a tablespoon or two…). If anyone questions you, blame it on Julia Child.
4. You’re meeting an old friend
Meeting up with an old friend is great, but struggling to get through the first half hour of excruciatingly awkward small talk is not. You both know that all you really wanna do is reminisce about all those wild nights in college that you don’t tell your kids about. So what are you waiting for? Call the waiter over and order yourselves two Manhattans.
5. You’re visiting family
You know what they say – you can’t choose your family, but you can choose what liquor to binge on while you visit them. Do you really think you’re expected to hold up a pleasant conversation with the in-laws without a decent buzz from a few gin and tonics? No, you’re not. So don’t be afraid to drink up and invite the rest of your family to join in with you.
6. You’re hungry
Sometimes all you wanna do is lounge on the couch, watch an entire season of your favourite show, and eat a family-sized pizza by yourself. The only thing stopping you? The judging glares you know you’ll get from anyone who sees you. So the logical solution is just to get drunk first, then blame your repulsive, gluttonous behavior on the five beers you downed. Win-win.
7. You drank all night
If you stay up all night drinking, the morning still counts as last night. That’s just one of those unwritten but universally agreed upon rules (or at least I like to think so). Therefore, getting drunk off of Caesars at 9 a.m. in the morning totally doesn’t count as getting wasted again because you’re already completely wasted. Do you follow? Either way, fix yourself a Caesar.
8. You’re trying to lose weight
Who needs Jenny Craig’s weight loss program when you have a bottle of tequila lying around in your liquor cabinet? A study revealed that the natural sugars found in the agave plant that are used in tequila production can actually help lower your glucose levels. So stop counting calories and crack out the salt and lime – it’s time for some shots.
9. It’s too cold… or too hot
Not many countries can boast having a climate quite as all over the place as Canada can. So as Canadians, we have the right to turn to alcohol when the weather gets particularly extreme. -19 degrees on Tuesday means you’re entitled to getting sloshed on mulled wine. And when Friday turns out to be 22 degrees and sunny, you have full permission to go to town on that case of Corona.
10. You’re going to a wedding
If there’s any occasion when it’s basically rude not to get off-your-face drunk, it’s a wedding. It doesn’t matter whose wedding it is – your best friend’s, your brother’s, your ex-husband’s – weddings are the one free pass we have as humans to get as drunk as we possibly can without the fear of being judged by anyone. Why many of us only get married once is beyond me.
11. You’re flying somewhere
The beauty of air travel is that time zones no longer matter. There’s no such thing as three in the morning or 10 at night. Those archaic societal rules that apply to you on the ground such as “you can’t drink before noon” don’t apply when you’re in a plane. The moment you step on board, you’re free to have as many of those tiny plastic cups of cheap wine as you can before being cut off by the flight attendant (or spewing in your barf bag).
12. You want to learn a new language
Parlez-vous francais? ¿Hablas español? Well, you may be able to once you get a couple of pints in your system. In fact, Researchers have found that alcohol’s disinhibiting effects make it easier for people to speak and pronounce words in a different language. So instead of taking a German night class, why not just turn to the bottle instead?
13. It’s healthy… ish
Beer contains a lot of fibre, which helps lower your body’s bad cholesterol. Wine contains a lot of antioxidants. Antioxidants help boost your immune system. Therefore, beer and wine are part of a healthy, balanced diet. This deduction may very well be missing a few nuances, but hey, if it means we can drink more beer and wine, let’s just leave it as is.
14. It’s fun
What more of an excuse do you need? As Homer Simpson once said, “To alcohol. The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”