Sinus congestion, a leaky nose, bloodshot eyes – sound familiar in a please-shut-up sort of way? Don’t worry, you’re not alone.
While everyone may think you’re suffering from something contagious, you know that it’s actually something much more sinister: your persistent, everyday, pain-in-the-neck allergies, which are acting up again.
Allergies are not fun. And while you might think no one else feels your pain, remember that we fellow allergy suffers have been where you are. The struggle is real and so are your red, itchy eyes.
1. Having to explain to your new beau why you threw their lovely bouquet in the garbage.
It’s not that you don’t think the flowers are pretty. You really like them and you wish you could put them on your desk at work to make everyone else jealous. But you can’t, because they literally make you feel like your throat is closing and that you are going to die.
2. Walking around with a piece of tissue perpetually stuck to your nose is your worst fear.
Tissues are great. They offer release when you most need it, but there’s nothing more horrifying than looking into a mirror after a job interview and seeing a tiny piece of it dangling from the end of your nose. So that’s why the interviewer wasn’t making eye contact. D’oh!
3. No matter what, dust always wins.
You vacuum your house three times a day – hey, one can’t be too careful – but emptying that thing is the bane of your existence. After multiple failed attempts, you’ve come to terms with getting a dust shower whenever you pop that cap. Let the sneezing commence.
4. You force your friends to vacuum everything, and they hate you for it.
Before you head over to your friend’s place, you always make sure to send them a friendly message that reads, “Be there in 20. Can you please vacuum your carpet, couch, kitchen counter and bed? Oh, and don’t forget the dog. Especially the dog.” Of course, their answer is always “Okay. You’re the worst,” but c’est la vie.
5. You’re torn between hugging your friend’s pet or staying far, far away.
Rufus is such a fluffy, adorable, friendly puppy. He loves to lick your face, chase you around and sit in your lap. Unfortunately, one whiff of that fur and the sound that comes from your mouth is enough to make thousands of babies cry simultaneously for a week straight.
6. Everyone around you hides their Kleenex box because they don’t trust you.
There’s a Kleenex thief in the office, and everyone thinks it’s you. They’ve seen you run through 13 boxes in less than a week. Of course, you’re the prime suspect when the office’s stash goes missing for the umpteenth time. Not to mention the fact that you’re the only one with a piece of tissue stuck to your nose.
7. Leaving the house on a spring day takes more effort than you care to admit.
Sunglasses? Check. Chic silk scarf? Check. Gas mask? Double check. Hey, pollen is evil and the Vader mask does keep everything out. So what if you look like a serial killer? Everyone’s just going to have to deal.
8. Multiple dates with multiple people have been cancelled on account of runaway makeup.
First dates are fun. Too bad you haven’t been on one for three-and-a-half years. Why? Because whenever you step out looking fresh and gorgeous for said date, one deep breath of that pollen-laced air and your lungs seize up and the coughing fit begins. Next thing you know, there’s lipstick all over your face and mascara trickling down your cheek. Oy vey. Back inside you go.
9. “Let’s see how many times you can sneeze in 30 seconds” is now a pastime among your friends.
Everything makes you sneeze: dust, dog fur, cat fur, pollen, the universe. Nothing gets past you, unfortunately. And so, because your buds have to put up with your constant “achoos, ” they’ve come up with this brilliant game where you’re always in the lead and always the punchline. So not funny.
10. Everyone thinks you’re overly emotional because your eyes are always watery.
No, that video of a baby eating a banana while doing a handstand is not making you cry. And no, waiting for your pizza to finish heating up in the lunchroom microwave is not causing you to shed a tear. You never show your emotions just your allergies.
11. Not being able to concentrate at meetings has become your life.
Must. Pay. Attention. Sadly, that glaring headache you’re experiencing at a 9:30 a.m. meeting doesn’t want you to succeed. Try as you might, there is just no way you can power through it. Just hold on for dear life, kid. It’s going to be a long day.
12. You’re forced to find any excuse to not go out and enjoy the “wonderful” spring weather.
“I know it’s really nice outside but I don’t think I can come. Why? I have to write a 5,000-page report by tomorrow. And my great-great-grandmother needs me to babysit her goldfish. Oh, I think I just heard my mom fall down the stairs. Byeeeeee!”
13. You have to constantly explain to your friends that you are not, in fact, high.
You’re the red-eyed girl. You look like the devil with your dark, bloodshot eyes. You strike fear into the hearts of others with one short glance. And to top it all off, you’re always having to explain to people that you did not just smoke a doobie in the parking lot.
14. No one wants to walk next to you because your nose has a mind of its own.
It’s embarrassing to admit, but you’ve sneezed on people on more than one occasion. You can’t help it! It’s your nose’s fault. Is there anything worse than feeling a sneeze coming on, realizing you don’t have a tissue and then having the snot shoot out of your nose for everyone to see? Didn’t think so.
15. The last time you had a decent sleep was approximately 15 years ago.
Seven hours of sleep? Ha! When your headache continues into the night and your nose feels like it’s about to fall off and your throat is still closing in, you’re just happy if you manage to catch some Zs for two hours straight.