THERE ARE LOTS OF OPTIONS FOR MATERNITY CLOTHES
No, there aren’t. Why don’t any stores carry maternity clothes in their actual stores? Is it so hard to have a tiny section for pregnant women to try on clothes with elastic waistbands and tops with side ruching? I now understand the look friends gave me when they told me they were pregnant, and I talked about all the cute clothes they could buy. I was wrong, I’m sorry, and now I have to go wash the three plain maternity shirts that make up my entire wardrobe.
MORNING SICKNESS DOESN’T LAST ALL DAY/PREGNANCY
Actually, it’s a three-month hangover without the fun story of the night before. That is, three months if you’re lucky. I’m now into my third trimester and still taking anti-nausea medication. Is there an old wives’ tale that says being nauseated for nine months means your kids will still want to be seen with you when they’re teenagers? That would make me feel better. Before getting pregnant, I would hear women talk about feeling sick and think, that sucks, but they’re at work/out shopping/living their lives, so how bad can it be? News flash, women are freaking super heroes. I knew that before, but I didn’t *KNOW* it. How half of the population isn’t calling in sick for their entire pregnancy is astounding. Sorry dudes, maybe you could tough it out too, but we’ll never know, which makes women the superior everything.
ONLINE REVIEWS OF PRODUCTS ARE HELPFUL
No, no they’re not. One person’s trash is another person’s treasure, literally. Want to be even more confused about which car seat to buy? Look up the reviews. There are hundreds, sometimes thousands of reviews for products you previously didn’t even know existed. Snot sucker? It’s a thing. My husband thought I was being dramatic when I said it’s easier to buy a car than a car seat. He changed his mind after I brought him to a Baby Expo. Can someone please just tell me which stroller to spend half my rent on?
YOU’LL RELAX ONCE THE FIRST TRIMESTER IS DONE
I thought that once I hit the 12-week mark that I would finally relax, but then I realized I’ll never be relaxed again in my entire life. Each doctor’s visit has gone the same.
Them: Everything is great!
Me: Wonderful, see you later.
Them: Just a second, we have to test for (insert terrifying disease you’ve never heard of). We’ll call you in two weeks with the results.
Me: Can I cry now or when I get to my car?
Them: Either or.
NINE MONTHS ISN’T THAT LONG
It’s almost a year. That literally never occurred to me before getting pregnant. It’s almost how long you have to wait in between seasons of Game of Thrones.
Oh, also it’s ten months.
I’LL BE EXTRA ACTIVE DURING MY PREGNANCY
I will have active days, but working out every day? Nah uh. I didn’t do that when I wasn’t pregnant, so where exactly did I think I was going to get this magical extra energy now that I’m growing a human?
CRAVINGS WILL BE FUN
My cravings have been limited to things I see on TV, which I then eat and immediately never want to eat again, and all the foods you’re not supposed to eat while pregnant (still debating naming my first born ‘Ham Sandwich’). Food aversions? Oh, those are an ever-growing list. What’s the opposite of crave? Despise? Reject? Loathe? Loathe foods? Oh, I loathe a whole lotta food.
THERE ARE LOTS OF GENDER NEUTRAL CLOTHING OPTIONS
No, there aren’t. I hope my baby likes being naked because I’ve cornered the market on gender neutral clothing and have enough outfits for about four days. Three if I give birth to a puker.
BEING TIRED MEANS YOU CAN NAP
Hah! Even if you have access to a bed or couch during the day, being exhausted doesn’t mean your brain will let you get some sleep.
EVERYONE WILL WAIT ON YOU
You may get a few meals brought to you here and there, but don’t expect to become a Greek goddess with family members waving palm fans and serving you grapes on a silver platter.
I have yet to experience the glow. Here’s a four-letter word that I have experienced on the regular since getting pregnant – acne. The worst acne of my life. Like, all-four-years-of-high-school-in-nine-months type of acne. And of course, you’re not supposed to use any face wash that actually treats acne while you’re pregnant, because FYI, the world is out to get your baby. The only reason my skin is glowing is because it’s layered in concealer.
ALL YOU’LL FEEL IS FLUTTERS AND KICKS
And gas. And cramps. And your ligaments stretching. And a lot of, ‘what was that?’ While the flutters and kicks have been wonderful, I’ve also experience physical changes that I did not expect. Recently, I had the fun event of my stomach muscles tearing all at once. According to my doctor, many women have this happen gradually and don’t feel it, but my baby wanted open concept immediately. I blame all my HGTV bingeing. FYI, having your stomach muscles tear in half feels exactly how you think it would.
BABY BRAIN WON’T HAPPEN TO ME
Yeah, it will. Last week I made a coffee in the Keurig machine and forgot to put the mug under the filter. Honestly, I’m giving myself and all pregnant women a pass on baby brain. Sure, the hormones and chemicals in our bodies are going in a million different directions, but I think the real culprit of baby brain is that we must learn about 2,795 types of bottles and then guess which one our child will want. No one’s brain has enough room for all this new information, therefore some things–like remembering to use a mug when making coffee–gotta go.
IT’S EASY TO FIND ANSWERS TO YOUR PREGNANCY QUESTIONS
Wrong again. It’s easy to find about five different opinions on pregnancy questions. If you see a pregnant woman at a restaurant staring at her phone, she’s not being rude. She’s trying to figure out what the heck she can eat. Once you eliminate all the foods that make you want to puke simply by the thought of them, now you must choose a meal from the small list of foods remaining that are ‘safe’ for pregnant women. What’s safe is different from doctor to doctor, book to book, website to website. It’s honestly amazing we’re able to put on weight.
HORMONES WILL MAKE YOU SUPER EMOTIONAL
Maybe because I’ve always been an emotional person this hasn’t really affected me. My husband may have a different opinion, but I feel like I’ve been pretty even tempered throughout pregnancy. I don’t find myself crying at TV shows or commercials more than I did before pregnancy. Have I called my husband AT WORK and yelled at him for not replacing the toilet paper in the bathroom? Yes. Would I have done this before getting pregnant? We can’t say for sure, but also, we definitely can say for sure and the answer is yes. Now I’m able to blame outbursts on being pregnant. There should be some positives for having to pee three times a night.