Why you gotta be so mean, winter? And don’t think for a minute, sun, that we’re buying what you’re selling. Just because you’re out, all shiny and bright, turning the snow into slush does not make it feel any warmer. Because it’s not just the temperature, it’s everything; and everything is not awesome.
Take these 14 completely normal, ordinary tasks, winter has ruined:
1. Taking out the garbage
Remember the good ol’ days (a few months ago) when you could saunter out in your sweats, maybe shiver a bit, but still get the job done? No more, friends. Now, it’s a p-r-o-c-e-s-s that involves 17 layers of clothing and specialty footwear. And God help you if you get garbage juice on your leather gloves.
Image: BadW01fRose via Reddit
2. Wearing heels
Nine months of the year, heels equal instant sex appeal. Come winter? Not so much. Goodbye, hot mama; hello, newborn giraffe.
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3. Going down your front steps
Normally, this is a simple left-foot, right-foot affair. In winter, depending on your handiness with a shovel and a bucket of salt, you may end up facing moguls that would challenge any Olympic skier.
Twentieth Century Fox/Imgur
All you’re trying to do is get some cardio in, just like your doctor suggested. But you can’t, bfiecause a walk from your front door to your mailbox has turned into a biathlon, complete with blinding tears and streaming snot.
5. Starting the car
And if it’s not starting the car, it’s waiting for the darn thing to warm up. Chances are you’ll be at your destination before the windows have defrosted and warm air is pumping through the vents.
6. Getting out of the driveway
By February, you probably have two colossal mountains of snow on either side of your driveway. It’s at the point where you require someone with an orange vest and glowing batons in each hand to guide you safely out.
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7. Taking the dog out
Because not only do you have to pile on the layers (this is becoming a theme, no?), but your dog does, too. You know what’s not a fun winter pastime? Getting those little rubber booties on their little squirmy paws.
Image: Causing havoc where he goes
8. Looking out the window
It may be freezing out but it’s also a gorgeous and sunny day. Too bad you missed it since your window is completely covered by frost, snow and ice.
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9. Pumping gas
Sure, it has to be done, but we don’t have to like it. At least it’s better than walking or taking public transit in these glacial times.
10. Keeping your car clean
If there is a greater injustice than getting up (in the dark) half an hour early just to clean off your car, we have not found it. Bonus: Your coat and gloves will be covered with salt and grime when you’re done, because underneath all that snow, your car is permanently filthy. Yay winter!
AP Photo/Gary Wiepert
11. Wearing glasses
No eyewear can stop winter tears from flowing. And back indoors, they fog up to the point that you’re almost better off without them. Oh well, it’s not like you can see out the window anyway.
12. Using your phone
Please. Those touch screen gloves never work, so your only alternative is to remove your mitt, pocket that Hot Shot and tempt frostbite, if you want to make a call or text.
13. Grocery shopping
There should be some sort of award for successfully managing to push your cart through an unplowed parking lot then unloading your groceries on icy terrain while arctic winds gust around you. Who do we talk to about that?
14. Taking your kid(s)…anywhere
If it’s not getting them dressed…
Image: Warner Brothers/Blake-Ly via Tumblr
…it’s getting them moving. Both are impossible.
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