For weeks (months?), we’ve known that Justin Bieber was going to be roasted by Comedy Central. And, really, with the last couple of years he’s had, Biebs has had a target on his Calvin Klein-clad backside.
Well, the show aired last night on The Comedy Network (you can watch the whole thing here) and the verdict is in. Those who took part didn’t let up – even Martha! – and despite the brutal, scathing barbs (most of which were too raunchy to note here), Bieber took it like the polite Canadian he is: by apologizing…and dishing out a couple one-liners of his own.
1. Kevin Hart: “Justin’s Canadian. He’s actually considered American, because no Canadian has ever been this much of an a**hole.”
2. Will Ferrell (as Ron Burgundy): “I always encouraged people to stay classy. And what’s more classy than hanging out with Floyd Mayweather?”
3. Chris D’Elia: “I’m proud of you. You have it all. You are literally a guy who has it all, except for respect, love, friends, good parents, and a Grammy.”
4. Hannibal Buress: “You gotta give it up for Justin. He started from the bottom and he’s still a bottom.”
5. Shaquille O’Neal: “Justin as a father of six you have to straighten up, son. Last year, you were ranked the fifth most-hated person of all time. Kim Jong-Un didn’t rank that high. And he uses your music to torture people.”
6. Hart: “Selena Gomez couldn’t be here tonight. Just because she didn’t want to be here.”
7. Natasha Leggero: “You’re like our beetles. Not the band, the bugs that live in sh*t.”
8. Jeffrey Ross: “Justin, you are the King Joffrey of Pop.”
9. Pete Davidson: “Usher is the one who took you under his wing. You’re the worst thing that Usher has done to America, since the guy who sat John Wilkes Booth behind Abraham Lincoln.”
10. Ludacris: “Justin wants to be black so bad he’s actually seen Kevin Hart’s movies in theaters.”
11. Ross: “Selena Gomez wanted to be here but she’s dating men now. Is it true you dumped her because she grew a mustache before you?”
12. Ferrell: “Justin Bieber is a full-grown man who works and loves and makes things with his hands. He sings to nine-year-olds and his hair is like a gay figure skater.”
13. Snoop Dogg: “Justin, you’re so pretty, when inmates see your mug shot, they swipe right.”
14. Hart: “Bieber has 10 million fans — most are in middle schools, or standing at least 500 feet away from one.”
15. Buress: “Justin, I don’t like your music. I think it’s bad, man. I hate your music. I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy.”
16. Bieber: “Kevin Hart is so short, he calls Lil Wayne, Wayne.”
17. D’Elia: “Those Calvin Klein billboards you made are terrible. And I was in Whitney.”
18. Snoop Dogg: “Justin’s life changed when Usher heard one of his songs and liked it, which only goes to prove that Usher ain’t black.”
19. Ferrell: “This kid has spunk, moxie, and a few other STDs.”
20. Ross: Selena Gomez had sex with [you]… proving Mexicans will do the disgusting jobs Americans just won’t do.”
21. Bieber: “What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours.”
Watch the entire Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber right now on The Comedy Network.