“Can we spank each other with it?” Madonna asked Ellen DeGeneres during her week-long residency on the afternoon talk show last week. DeGeneres had armed the 56-year-old pop icon and her fellow guest, Justin Bieber, with a paddle to play the game Never Have I Ever, and of course Madonna’s mind went straight to kinky sex and intergenerational taboos.
On a show with such a pro-fun agenda as Ellen where dancing, pranking and dropping housewives through trapdoors are all in a day’s work, Madonna’s icy and sexually voracious schtick was as out-of-place as a cone bra at a picnic. It was just the latest signal that the enduring trendsetter is struggling to find her place in the modern moment.
Inspired by a particularly cringe-inducing round of “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” for Us Weekly, we’ve rounded up a list of things we can’t unlearn about the (outgoing?) Queen of Pop, starting with…
25. She’s available for interviews with Us Weekly
Sure, Jennifer Lopez, Janet Jackson and Elton John have sat down with the tabloid… for cover stories. But it tarnishes the untouchable appeal of Queen Madge when she’s booked for “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” while Jason Aldean’s wedding album is the cover.
24. Her butt looks incredible
BUTT (see what we did there?) we still didn’t need to see it at the GRAMMYs.
23. She calls astrology a “science”
Can the Madonna Psychic Network be next?
22. She serves shade like no one is watching
On Billboard’s The Juice podcast, rapper Fabolous talked about being backstage at the GRAMMYs. “It was like being on the inside,” he said. “See[ing] who talks to each other, and seeing Madonna come down and talk to no one, roll her eyes as she walks by.”
21. She hates “Material Girl”
Madonna implores you to find another nickname for her, as she certainly does not want to be associated with “Material Girl.” “I never want to hear it again!” she told Us Weekly. In related news, Madonna’s Material Girl juniors clothing line is available at The Bay.
20. She’s out of milk
“The last time I went grocery shopping was a year ago,” she told Us Weekly.
19. She “can’t be around basic, provincial thinking people”
Hence why she never moved back to her hometown, Rochester Hills, Michigan. Ironically, this makes us curious to visit Rochester Hills, Michigan.
18. She is personally offended that she hasn’t been invited to meet Barack Obama
“He probably thinks I’m too shocking to be there,” she told Us Weekly. “I’m serious. If I was a little bit more demure…or if I was just married to Jay Z. Hey, if Jay would only take me as his second wife, then I’d score an invitation.” Yup, that’s all it takes to get invited to the White House.
17. Even though she claims Kanye West is a fan of hers…
Professed by the wince-inducing lyric “Yeezus loves my p—y best” on the Rebel Heart song “Holy Water.”
16….she is not a fan of his work in fashion design.
She pointedly cited a “fur bikini” as something she would never be caught dead in when asked by Us Weekly.
15. She has “disgusting” feet
She told Us Weekly that her “disgusting” “dancer’s feet” were her least favourite body part. Actually, maybe we did want to know that.
14. She believes she can pull off a grill
13. She pitched Kabbalah water to the British government as a remedy for nuclear waste
Downing Street appreciated her interest but passed in favour of a solution that relied less heavily on magic.
12. She exploited Martin Luther King Jr. and Nelson Mandela’s legacies to try to make “Rebel Heart” happen
11. Madonna is completely horrified by her fall at the Brit Awards, despite its notable contribution to the world of memes
10.Her lifelong ambition is to date Drake
In the wake of her revelation on Howard Stern that she once dated the late Tupac Shakur, she told Us Weekly that “the lifelong ambition I still want to fulfill is to go on a dream date with Drake — and only kiss him.”
At 28, he would be her oldest known paramour in eight years.
9. Her youngest lover in the past five years was 22
Madonna revealed this to Ellen moments before being joined by a 21-year-old Justin Bieber. They revealed what they do and don’t have in common during their game of Never Have I Ever in which we learned…
8. Madonna has had phone sex
Justin has not.
7. Madonna has used someone else’s toothbrush without telling them
Justin has not.
6. Madonna has fooled around in a bathroom at a party
As have both Justin and Ellen, begging the question, “who all was in this bathroom?”
5. Madonna has dated siblings
As have both Justin and Ellen.
4. Madonna has fooled around while someone else was in the room
As has Justin. Ellen would never! Does a bathroom count as a room?
3. Madonna has forgotten the name of the person she was fooling around with.
As has Justin. Her name is SELENA you monster!
2. Madonna has had sex with more than two different people in one day.
Justin has not.
1. And the thing we least want to know about Madonna is… she does not have a hit.
Rebel Heart’s “Living For Love” was the first time a debut single from a Madonna album did not chart on Billboard since 1983. That was her first single! Wherefore art thou black Jesus!