Big girls don’t cry, but big-boobed girls? Sometimes we can’t help it. They are truly an irksome thing and while some people think the complaints are excuses to humble-brag, the back and shoulder pain we endure beg to differ. Being top-heavy might seem like a gift but, really, it can be a nightmare (especially when hyphenates like “top-heavy” are thrown about).
Our boobs/tatas/girls/funbags, ugh already have a mind of their own (like in frigid temperatures) but larger ones bring a whole other level or problems and unpleasant consequences. And despite people telling you how “lucky” you are, you know the truth. The cold, hard, ugly, giant truth.
RUNNING IS NOT FUN
If you don’t hold them down, you could give yourself a black eye. Or two.
JUMPING IS NOT AS JOYOUS AS IT LOOKS
Whether you’re playing volleyball or leaping for joy, it’s never good.
YOGA COULD KILL YOU
Several poses can suffocate you.
SPORTS BRAS ARE A JOKE
You have to wear two, sometimes three for any real support. Just thinking of the strap marks being burned into your shoulders makes us wince in sympathy.
SELECTION IS LIMITED
If black, white and beige are your favourite colours, then big bras are the ones for you.
BOOB SWEAT IS SO NOT PRETTY
If they’re not lifted perfectly, the pooling that occurs can be a little disgusting and no amount of baby powder can soak it up.
STRAPLESS BRAS, PFFT
Please. The cups can only do so much of the heavy lifting.
SAY GOODBYE TO REGULAR DEPARTMENT OR MALL LINGERIE STORES
And hello to specialty stores and brands. Because anything past a DD and buying bras is the equivalent of making a down payment on a car.
BACKLESS DRESSES ARE ADMIRED FROM AFAR
That would require no bra and, well, THAT’S obviously not happening.
BRIDESMAIDS DRESSES GET MADE OVER
When the bride asks all her girls to wear strapless dresses, except you. You are the lone one with straps. Or sleeves. Or worse, given a shawl to cover them.
BUILT-IN BRAS MAKE YOU RAGE
They’re a joke and so funny that you’ll be laughing until you want to punch something.
BATHING SUITS ARE EVIL
They make you look like a porn star.
BUTTON-UP SHIRTS HATE YOU
They’re barely hanging on, trying to keep the girls in but having to buy them a size larger and then have them tailored everywhere else is a pain.
CLEAVAGE IS SCARY
Yo, my eyes are up here.
CROSS-BODY BAGS ARE IRKSOME
Not only do they make them look that much bigger but you also get that wrinkly, bunchiness from the strain as the strap tries to hold them back while they just want to bust free.
Not exactly safe.
THEY BECOME CRUMB CATCHERS
Who hasn’t come home from a night at the movies and found a few kernels of stray popcorn hanging with the girls?
YOU’RE ALWAYS INVESTING IN NEW TOPS
Your shirts are forever stained because everything that drips or spills lands right on them — which you only find out once you’ve gotten home.
LYING FLAT CAN BE A PAINFUL NIGHTMARE
You could be sunning on the beach or getting a massage, but you’re anything but relaxed because they’re being crushed like they’re in a vise.
PERIOD TIME IS THE WORST TIME
The tenderness you feel in your boobs right before you get that monthly visit? Magnify that by a thousand.
PREGNANCY AND POST-PREGNANCY REALITIES
The “melons” have never been so apt in the nine months baby is inside you. And it doesn’t get any better post-pregnancy. They’ll be bigger than baby’s head. Hell, they’ll be bigger than your head. And those nursing bras? NO support.
LYING ON YOUR BACK AND WATCHING TV IS IMPOSSIBLE
When you can’t see what you’re watching, it poses a bit of a problem.
EVERYTHING BECOMES SEXUALIZED
Even covered up or in a plain tee and jeans, you’ll be called “slutty.” And it’s so much worse if you’re small-framed and your boobs (and your brain, obviously) are the only big things about you.
COMFORTABLE FOR EVERYONE BUT YOU
Your children, your spouse, your dog, will inevitably use them as pillows.
THE SAME OLD QUESTION
Someone will ask how much you paid (or worse, how much your husband paid) for “those.” And while you dream of drop-kicking them, you don’t. Because you are a lady. A big-boobed lady.
WATCH: 50% of us have them, the other 50% of us love’em. But we bet you don’t know this about them.