Life Parenting
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This Sunday is Mother’s Day – a day when every human person should remember that a wonderful woman carried them, birthed them, and pretty much kept them alive. Some call it a Hallmark holiday, but we call it a great excuse to take very good care of the woman in your life who takes very good care of everyone else. Here are 30 things you should do for the mother nearest you (who actually deserves 30,000 nice things done for her).

  1. Wake up early and pop some earplugs into her ears so she can’t hear the cacaphonic ruckus that usually wakes her up.
  2. Tell the kids it’s “quiet day” and whoever is the quietest for the longest gets cash or chocolate or whatever particular bribe you use for your children.

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  3. Put a bell beside her bed with a note, saying “ring when you’re awake.”
  4. Google a quiche recipe.
  5. Give your children a bag of oranges and a jug. Tell them to get the juice from the oranges into the jug. That will keep them busy while you …
  6. Make a quiche.
  7. Then make the quiche again but without screwing it up this time.
  8. Wait for the bell to ring.

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  9. Wait a little longer…she’s tired.
  10. When it rings, grab the juice, the quiche, and the kids and head to her bedside.
  11. Use the bribe of your choice to ensure that your children do not jump on the bed or otherwise disturb the peace of this moment.
  12. Tell her she looks beautiful. Hopefully you do this daily, so this should be easy.
  13. While she eats quiche with the oh-so-quiet children, go downstairs and clean up the mess you made in the kitchen.

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  14. Come back upstairs and send the kids downstairs to clean up the mess they made. (Do not bribe them for this…children should learn to clean up their own messes…this is the problem with society today……We digress….)
  15. While your children are downstairs cleaning their mess (aka covertly watching cartoons) give your lady a foot massage.
  16. DO NOT mention her callouses.
  17. DO NOT spend extra time on her callouses to let her know you know they’re there.
  18. AVOID THE CALLOUSES ENTIRELY.
  19. Figure out how to make a beautifully-wrapped gift appear as if from nowhere. If you’re no David Copperfield, just hide it under the covers and make it magically materialize.

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  20. Enjoy watching her open it – she’s a wonderful lady.
  21. Help her put on the jewelry you bought her. (Hopefully you’re not a total nube and you knew to buy her jewelry)
  22. Tell her she’s capable and strong and intelligent and exciting. You already do this daily, so this should be routine.
  23. Call the kids upstairs, pile into bed with mom, and take turns giving her kisses and telling her all reasons why she’s an amazing woman and mother.
  24. Have the kids present whatever they made in school for Mother’s Day. Act like these are works of art and not the messes of glue and yarn that they are.
  25. Send the children outside to play.
  26. Get the magazines you bought and lay them on the bed beside her. One beauty magazine, one tabloid, and one copy of The Economist – because she can’t be pigeonholed.

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  27. Make sure she has everything she needs to relax.
  28. Put the bell beside her bed.
  29. Leave.
  30. Grab her TO DO list and check off as many things as you can before you collapse. Reflect for a moment on what a hero she is.

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  31. Pick up the phone and call your own mother. Because she’s a hero too. They all are.