Life Love
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Ladies, it’s Valentine’s Day month, and you know what that means: on February 14, you might get some flowers, lingerie or chocolates. You may even get a card. Heck, maybe you’ll get all four before you get on all fours. Because, hey beautiful, don’t let that silk negligee go to waste. That’s what it’s for! Sigh.

And let’s be honest, you’re a grown woman and you probably like sex. But you may also want the day, which is very much a commercial holiday or whatever, to be kind of nice and immersive, and not just a vehicle for sex. Basically, it could be a lot more than man-gifts-woman, woman presents self as “horny and sexy” for man. It could be fun and sexy and sweet and thoughtful and crafty and nourishing. 

So, here’s a list of 35 things you could do that aren’t just lying down sexily while you wait for him to come through the door:

  1. Throw an ax, but not at a person. There are many places to do that in Canada.
  2. Go ice skating, because it’s February and you never do anymore.
  3. Escape from a room of puzzles. This could actually be the life or death of a relationship.
  4. Leave your phones at home, go to a cafe and just talk. That’s what that person looks like…
  5. Karaoke. Either in a room at your favourite place, or at home using YouTube lyric videos. Either works.
  6. If you’re a parent, call other parents. This way, the kids are entertained by other kids, and the adults can drink wine and eat food with scary ingredients. The kids will have pizza.
  7. Make a meal together. Like, if you’re going to put balls in your mouth anyway, try any of these as an appetizer. Also, don’t be scared of a garlic-tinged meal (here are 20 recipes), either. You know what you’ve got, and what’s a little garlic between lovers? And then, of course, dessert. Like, actual dessert, not “dessert.” After actual dessert, then you can have sex or just pass out.
  8. Draw a bath. Take that bath alone, get out, dry your body, leave the bathroom, get dressed, and then call up some friends and invite them over for a game of Cards Against Humanity or Settlers of Catan. Some friends aren’t in relationships, so make Valentine’s fun for everyone.
  9. Go to a cheese monger together, and get what you need for a primo board. Then go home and work on your night cheese.
  10. If you can’t have dairy, make it a charcuterie plate. M-m-m-m-meat plate!
  11. Fix something. There are projects around your house that are not getting done, and that’s because there isn’t time. Use this special day to plug some holes with caulking – hey, it’s a Sunday, which is like free time!
  12. Work on some impressions. Try pretending you’ve got a cockney accent all night, and see if he notices the difference. If he does, pretend like you’ve been a cockney-speaking cab driver the whole time! Like a pre-April Fool’s.
  13. Make a playlist. Really spend some time on this. You two are DJs, together. The beauty of this is you can be super-obnoxious to your friends afterwards…because you will send it to them! Call it something really annoying like “Our Love on Repeat.” Instant classic.
  14. Tell him you’re pregnant, and that you’ve been seeing a dog psychic for the past few weeks. Just, like, for the laughs. Just make him so uncomfortable, like he barely knows you. He’ll hate this, but it will make you laugh.
  15. Make a sex tape. Make it really saturated, like a Wes Anderson movie. But, 100 per cent delete it after you do. You can watch it once. Have you seen Trainspotting? HAVING THESE THINGS JUST LYING AROUND IS ALWAYS A DISASTER.
  16. Watch First Wives Club together. If you need an explanation, you have not seen this movie. And if so, what is wrong with you?
  17. Play Clue! People who don’t like fictional murder mysteries are absolutely not worth your time.
  18. Don’t play Monopoly. If he asks you to play Monopoly over Clue, he may actually be very into Late Capitalism and less into problem solving. Not a deal-breaker, necessarily, but certainly a red flag.
  19. Drink wine. But, like, really good wine. Or cheap wine. Really, just any kind of wine that gets you drunk.
  20. Go to a dusty pool hall, with pitchers of beer and bar nuts you’d rather not touch. If you don’t know how to play, make up the rules! It’s more fun that way.
  21. Go to an art gallery. If you really want to mess with his head, tell him to “meet you in front of your favourite painting.” It will be amazing if he knows, but also amazing if he doesn’t. Basically, just enjoy art on your own terms.
  22. Smoke weed. Or eat pot brownies together. We’re told people love these things. Then watch something crazy like HBO’s VINYL (the two-hour premiere is on Valentine’s Day at 9PM ET/MT) and prepare for things to get weird.
  23. Talk about Beyonce. She’s relevant.
  24. Check out Kanye West’s twitter feed. What is this crazy guy up to now?
  25. Do not talk about Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton. That’s America’s business, and you’re trying to relax. Watch Bernie Mac instead, or Hilary Swank.
  26. Make prank phone calls to your own children. Honestly, this sounds like the most hilarious idea. Totally freak them out!
  27. Taco night! Everyone loves taco night.
  28. Ask your date to “ten second tidy” your room. Because there’s nothing hotter than watching your beau pick up your dirty, five-day-old undies.
  29. If you’re super blind without your glasses, take them off. See if he notices. Hey, when Laney Boggs did it, people noticed. So, he better.
  30. Get all commando together. Team up and sneak in as much food as you can into a movie theatre. A large pizza and a couple Big Macs will do just fine. Maybe a flask, too.
  31. Play Marry, F–k, Kill with your old high school yearbooks.
  32. Then look up all the people you said you’d marry on Facebook. Together.
  33. Tell your partner they are way more handsome, even if they aren’t. Sometimes lying is necessary.
  34. Don’t rub it in. Everyone knows someone from high school who got really hot and/or rich.
  35. Offer him a tissue. There’s no need to cry, man!