Anyone who has been a parent to a newborn in the last ten years has one big question – how mankind made it this far without the internet? How did our parents keep us alive without being able to search online for the answer to every thought and question that popped into their minds, all while existing on three hours of sleep? Why aren’t we dead like dinosaurs?
New parents today have the benefit of being able to Google any question at any time, with most queries arriving right around the 2 a.m. mark when a full night’s sleep is a distant memory. (Same goes for a shower. And a hot meal. And an uninterrupted hour of television.) From questions on how to keep your child alive to questions on how to keep yourself alive, here are 47 things every parent of a newborn has Googled at 2 a.m. Yup, we limited it to just 47.
1. When does the umbilical cord fall off because ew, ew, ew?
2. Is my baby sleeping too much?
3. Is my baby not sleeping enough?
4. How many days can I go without showering before I develop an infection?
5. How many days can I go without giving my baby a bath before they develop an infection?
6. What should my baby’s poop look like?
7. How do I get poop out of baby clothes?
8. How do I get poop out of adult clothes?
9. How do I get poop out of car seats? And also, why would any company make a car seat that isn’t black? That’s just mean.
10. How many poops per day is too many poops?
11. How many days can a baby go without pooping?
12. How much puke is too much puke?
13. How many feet does puke have to clear before it’s considered projectile?
14. Are there any non-disgusting ways to clean a baby’s nose?
15. Why are car seats shaped in way that makes them Squatty Potties for babies?
16. Why didn’t anyone tell me 50 per cent of parenthood is getting poop out of things?
17. How many nights can my baby wake me up every two hours before I can have them charged with torture?
18. Are there any baby toys my baby won’t hate?
19. Is tummy time really important or did someone who hates parents make it up?
20. How much does a night nanny cost?
21. How do I become a night nanny because damn, they make bank?
22. What is the best (insert any baby gear item) for 2018?
23. What’s the second best and more affordable (insert any baby gear item) for 2018?
24. Why does my baby hate the baby carrier?
25. Why does my baby hate the bathtub?
26. Why does my baby hate the swing?
27. Why does my baby hate me?
28. Do I need a medical degree to cut my baby’s nails?
29. How much will college tuition cost in 18 years?
30. How old does my child have to be before I can get them a job, because ZOMG tuition?
31. Why isn’t it illegal for diaper companies to not include the indicator strip?
32. Has anyone literally had their boobs fall off from breastfeeding too often?
33. How often do I really have to disinfect baby bottles?
34. What are recipes for meals that can be made in under five minutes and eaten cold while using one hand?
35. Will my hair fall out if I only use dry shampoo for a month?
36. Can I hire someone to properly swaddle my child every night?
37. What liar said that breastfeeding helps you lose weight?
38. What country has the longest paid maternity leaves?
39. How difficult is it to immigrate to Sweden?
40. Can babies start teething at one month?
41. Do I really need to use the baby-specific laundry detergent?
42. How bad is it really if my baby watches reruns of Keeping Up With The Kardashians with me?
43. How long will my spouse annoy me after the baby arrives?
44. How much does a maid cost in comparison to couples therapy?
45. Is my baby not sleeping because I didn’t eat the placenta because fine, I’ll eat the placenta?
46. How many months after giving birth is it still acceptable to wear maternity clothes?
47. What sadist designed onesies?