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Don’t quit your night job, Conan. While filming in Texas, the late-night host visited the Mary Kay headquarters in Dallas to learn the fine art of guilting your friends and family into buying makeup. Based on the segment that ran on Conan on Tuesday, April 1 (full video below), it’s unlikely O’Brien will be driving a pink Cadillac home. For example:

1. His skin is only a five out of 10.

Crystal, O’Brien’s Mary Kay sensei, didn’t go easy on him just because he’s a celebrity. When he asked her to rate his skin, she gave it a five out of 10, though her expression said two.

2. He applies his lipstick with a heavy hand.

To become more familiar with the product, O’Brien applied a bold red lip. Despite his thin Irish lips, O’Brien went full Lisa Rinna, giving himself a look he compared to a “crazy woman.” “You got it a little crooked,” Crystal said. “Where?” O’Brien asked. “Everywhere.”

3. His girl-talk needs work.

And to think the Real Housewives make it look so easy. O’Brien tried out his gossipy prattle on Crystal, and the results were not so hot. “Oh my God, girlfriend, look at that ring!” he squawked. “You got engaged?” And he finished it off with a piercing shriek that would probably shatter all the nail polish packaging anyway.

5 reasons why Conan O’Brien would totally get fired by Mary Kay

4. He cannot come within 10 feet of someone without traumatizing them.

Much like the legendary Medusa, you don’t want to look directly at Conan O’Brien when he has a full face of Mary Kay. One of the women at the Mary Kay party helpfully suggested “the further away you are the better it looks.” Outside the party in the hall in the dark proved to be the optimal conditions.

5 reasons why Conan O’Brien would totally get fired by Mary Kay

5. Mary Kay’s beauty coats don’t flatter his shape.

The beauty coat — the black trench worn by Mary Kay ambassadors — didn’t help O’Brien feel anymore comfortable in his new role. “This feels like maternity wear for ninjas,” he observed.

Watch the entire hilarious train wreck below and catch Conan Monday through Thursday at 12 a.m. ET/9 p.m. PT on Much.