Moms, you know the drill. You may have suffered from it, or perhaps your friends, sisters or, really, any females in your life might have been affected. Mommy brain can strike hard and fast. Or in most cases, painfully slow, so slow you don’t even know it’s happening. The symptoms can be devastating… to your ego.
Chalk it up to sleep deprivation or simply being distracted but it goes hand-in-hand with motherhood. Whether you’re frazzled or forgetful, we’re here to tell you, don’t sweat it. Moms have all gone through it at some point or another, be it the odd thing or everything. We can’t remember them all, which kind of makes sense, but you can take solace knowing you’re not alone in this.
1. What is wrong with the stupid remote? Never mind, figured it out: This is my phone.
2. Why won’t my keys work? Because this isn’t my house, that’s why. (Sorry, Officer.)
3. How long does a load of laundry take to dry if you don’t actually turn the dryer on? Let’s find out.
4. Ahh, nothing like being caught in public with a rancid, poop-filled diaper and realizing I forgot to refill the diaper stash.
5. Or the times I’ve actually remembered the diapers and wipes (yay!) but forgot to pack extra clothes for the baby who just had a huge blowout up her back. You know, the moment I just got to the gym to finally work out.
6. Water in pot? Check. Pot on stove? Check. Burner not on? Dammit!
7. Hmm, now where’s that to-do list I made so I wouldn’t forget all the stuff I have to get done today?
8. Where are the kids’ health cards? WHERE ARE THEY???
9. Um, how did I end up in here?
10. Just spent 20 minutes frantically searching for my phone in the car before realizing I was using it as a flashlight.
11. After a long day, nothing beats taking off my clothes and realizing my shirt’s been inside out. For nine hours.
12. Hang on, everyone around me ISN’T a mind-reader? So when I’m referring to that “thing” (as I gesture absurdly to “it”), you all DON’T know what I’m talking about?
13. I would happily pay for dinner but, right now, I have no idea what my pin code is. Friends, can you front me? This is the last time, I swear.
14. Beauty tip, ladies. Toothpaste does not double as face cream.
15. Why is the fridge ringing? Oh, I left my phone in there while I was putting groceries away, of course.
16. I just paid the cable bill for the second time this month because I thought I forgot to pay it. Because I didn’t need the extra $200.
17. Pfft. Who needs shoes when you can wear your slippers out?
18. It could be worse. You could be wearing two different shoes on your feet. And not even close. There’s no explaining why your left has a black and white and Oxford and the right is sporting a red ballet flat.
19. Adding powdered formula into my coffee instead of milk is an honest mistake. And, hey, at five in the morning, you take what you can get and you don’t get upset.
20. What’s my address again?
21. Putting dishes away, getting mad because they’re still dirty, then realizing you forgot to put soap in the dishwasher when you started it is no excuse to kick said dishwasher.
22. There’s nothing like a cold, refreshing iced coffee on a hot summer’s day… left on the roof of the car.
23. Ordering pizza again because I forgot to thaw the meat in time for the feast I totally intended on cooking.
24. Shoes? My toddler doesn’t need no stinkin’ shoes.
25. Hate to be the bearer of bad news but, no, electric kettles don’t work on the stovetop.
26. Driving to my lifelong home to visit my parents and totally missing the exit only happens once a year. Twice, maybe.
27. Where are my sunglasses? WHERE ARE MY BLOODY SUNGLASSES?! On my head, that’s where.
28. “Babe, I used the ‘Find My Phone’ app and it’s telling me is it’s in the house. Can you call it? I’ll track it down that way. Hold on, I have another call.”
29. What’s the name of that star again? He’s got brown hair, not super-tall. He was in that movie with the fighter jets. He also did that movie where he danced in his underwear? She completes him… ugh. Tim something?
30. At least once a week I run the coffee maker without putting a mug under it. OK, maybe twice.
31. Nothing is sexier than leaving the house having only shaved one of my legs. Said no woman — or man — ever.
32. Walking frantically through the house, searching for my little one and realizing he’s been on my hip the whole time has never, ever, ever happened to me. Ever.
33. Leaving daycare without her won’t happen again. Cross my heart, Daycare Director Lady.
34. My toddler might be wearing her shoes on the wrong feet and I may have been the one that put them on but she’s still adorable.
35. I may have let my son go play in the backyard and I may have forgot to check if the side gate was closed and I may have found him wandering down the driveway two minutes later.
36. What did I come upstairs to get??
37. I think we’ve all called our pet instead of our kid at one time or another. And vice versa.
38. “Hon, can you grab me the cereal? Milk’s in the cupboard and Cheerios in the fridge, thaaaaaanks.”
39. Putting my four-month-old daughter to bed without a diaper only happens when I’ve had little sleep.
40. Ever start a sentence and not finish it because you’ve completely lost your train of
41. That time I didn’t put the umbrella part of his stroller back on and it started pouring rain while we were miles away from the car.
42. Wracking my brain, trying to figure out what word I’m looking for and it’s “salt.”
43. The name of the movie we watched for the 78th time over the weekend that I keep forgetting? Oh. Star Wars. Right!
44. Bought $200 worth of food at the grocery store. Forgot $75 of it at the checkout. Awesome.
45. Oh, nut free means all nuts and not just peanuts? We’ll just be bringing those [pea]nut-free cupcakes back home then.
46. Hang on, it’s Saturday? OK, son, let’s go back home, the bus isn’t coming.
47. Instructing your two-year-old how to unlock the car door after locking the keys inside with her in it is not a fun way to spend two hours.
48. Did I brush my teeth today? Or was that yesterday?
49. Know what’s worse than getting to a kids’ birthday party late? Getting to the kids’ birthday party late AND forgetting the gift at home.
50. I didn’t bring the little one a hat to wear in this blazing sun but at least I remembered the sunscreen.
51. What do you mean I asked the same thing five times already?
52. What happens if you start driving and realize your child isn’t buckled in? This is purely hypothetical, of course.
53. Blaming my kid for misplacing something because I hid it or put it out of his reach.
54. Absentmindedly taking an extra hour of a lunch break and then going about the rest of the afternoon an hour behind schedule.
55. Going nuts looking for the pacifier when it’s in the baby’s mouth was my workout that day.
56. Pulling the car into the driveway but not being able to turn the engine off because I haven’t put the car in “Park.”
57. Yes! I am completely capable of finishing … … … a sentence. And fine! After we’re done getting groceries, we can totally go to the … … … park. And no! I’m not a complete … … … moron. I really am smart and moron. I swear, I really am smart and … … … articulate.