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The most eligible bachelor in the world is in Canada right now. Right now! Yes, the royal ginger playboy with a sense of duty and eyes that make you forget your place. That’s right! Harry Prince of Wales (And Also Our Hearts) is in Toronto right now. The moment we heard he was coming here our brain went into overdrive with the following scroll of insanity.

  1. Prince Harry is coming to Toronto?
  2. Oh, he’s HOT!

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  3. I miss Diana.
  4. Is he still dating that boring Chelsy something?
  5. She’s not boring. I’m a crappy feminist.
  6. (she’s kinda boring)
  7. I wonder what hotel he’ll stay at…
  8. Some royal suite probably.
  9. It would be crazy to be royal.
  10. I bet Kate Middleton looks at herself in the mirror every day and goes, “I FOOLED THEM ALL!”

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  11. Does Kate Middleton fart in front of Prince William?
  12. I bet her flatulence sounds like a mockingbird and smells like an English rose.
  13. I’m definitely too gross to be a princess.

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  14. Didn’t Harry dress as a Nazi for Halloween one time?
  15. Can you dress as a Nazi and still become king?
  16. Probably – royals aren’t elected. They can do whatever they want.
  17. And Harry’s probably never going to be king.
  18. That adorable face will never be on coins.
  19. Soon coins will be replaced with debit-by-retinal-scan.
  20. I miss pennies.
  21. Penny really was the brains behind the “Inspector Gadget” cartoon show.

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  22. I wonder if they had Inspector Gadget in the UK
  23. If they did, it was probably a weird porn parody.
  24. Inspect Her Gadget. Tee hee.
  25. I am 12.
  26. Harry is technically The Prince of Wales, no? Or is that just his last name?
  27. What’s up with Wales? What do people even do there?
  28. I wonder if people give Harry “prints of whales” as a joke.
  29. Are you allowed to joke with royalty?
  30. Pierre Trudeau did that pirouette behind Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth once.

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    CP
  31. He was so cool.
  32. I guess the Trudeaus are the closest Canada has to royalty.
  33. America had the Kennedys…
  34. Now they have the Kardashians.
  35. King Kanye & Kween Kim

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  36. Justin Trudeau is like Canada’s prince.
  37. And Sophie is our incredible princess.
  38. I wanna be a princess so bad.
  39. Thanks a lot, Disney
  40. I wonder if Harry is into curvy brunettes who write comedy.
  41. There’s one way to find out…
  42. I’ll wait for him outside his hotel and yell funny stuff at him.
  43. I’ll need a megaphone.

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  44. This has gotten too complicated.
  45. I’ll just get a job in his hotel before he arrives and I’ll ambush him there.
  46. It keeps it simple.
  47. I’ll look really cute in my hotel uniform…
  48. …and Harry will see me wearing my ill-fitting polyester vest as I push a cart of dirty room-service plates down the hallway…
  49. …and he’ll wonder what lies beneath its scratchy exterior…
  50. …and I’ll scream out to him, “MY BOOBS AND BUTT AND STUFF”…
  51. …and he’ll know what I mean…
  52. …and he’ll turn to his knights or whatever and declare…
  53. …”Tonight I’ll ride the service elevator with that ravishing maid”…
  54. …and he’ll get on my elevator and read my name tag…
  55. …”Where I’m from Ashley is a boy’s name,” he’ll say, “but you’re no boy”…
  56. …and then I’ll get all nervous and ask him why he dressed like a Nazi that one time…
  57. …and he’ll explain his clear and pointed satirical choice…
  58. …and I’ll be satisfied with that…
  59. …then he’ll lean in to place his royal lips on my peasant beak…
  60. …I’ll stop him, asking, “what about Chelsy”?…
  61. …he’ll say, “that boring harpie’s got nuthin’ on you, kid. You had me at BOOBS AND BUTT AND STUFF.”…
  62. …then the elevator doors will suddenly open up to that famous balcony at Buckingham Palace…

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  63. …He’ll emerge in his military uniform, and I’ll still be wearing my hotel one…
  64. …cuz that’s how Harry likes me….
  65. …and we’ll wave to the throngs of commoners who will chant their demand for a kiss from the newlyweds…
  66. …and he’ll look deep into my dirt-brown eyes and take me in his arms…
  67. …and as he embraces me, the trumpets will sound and the crowd will scream and I’ll close my eyes and flowers will rain down upon us and the cat will lick my face….and the cat will keep licking my face….and keep licking….

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  68. …and I’ll reluctantly open my eyes, turn off my alarm clock, and roll over to see Harry’s face on the cover of a salacious tabloid on the bed beside me…
  69. …and I’ll gently kiss his likeness, whispering, “Soon, my prince.”