Check your pantry. Do you have bottled water? Fresh batteries? Canned goods? If you’re not stocked up, we recommend hitting up a grocery store after work. Don’t wait. The Beypocalypse is coming and you don’t want to be caught unprepared.
Y’all think Beyoncé can hide an entire visual album until the day it’s released and not a failing marriage???? Smh y’all dumb
— booby (@what_eve_r) July 22, 2014
If this is your first time on the internet today you may not have heard the rumours about Queen Beyoncé and her royal consort Jay-Z. According to several media outlets, there’s trouble in pop music paradise and a D-I-V-O-R-C-E could be on the horizon.
If Jay and Bey’s relationship crumbles, will the world as we know it quickly follow? No one can be sure, so we’re gonna start digging our fallout shelters today just in case. Think we’re overreacting? Here are seven worrisome warning signs of the coming Beypocalypse:
1. The May 6 Met Gala dustup between Solange and Jay
Yep, that’s Bey’s sister practicing her high kick in close proximity to Jay’s bathing suit area. Think she’s mad cause she never got to be a Rockette or because Jay did something to tick her off? One rumour claims the rapper was getting a little too cozy with designer and fellow Met Gala guest Rachel Roy — the ex-wife of his former manager Damon Dash. This isn’t the first time Jay’s been accused of cheating…
2. This chick
Like we were saying, Jay-Z’s eye has been said to wander (how or why, we’ll never understand — have you seen his wife?). About a year ago an aspiring model/rapper came forward to claim that Mr. Beyoncé had made a pass at her. The woman says she turned Jay down out of respect for Bey (although that respect didn’t extend to not blabbing to the media about the incident).
3. The aggressive “Life’s Perfect on Instagram” social media campaign
We think the power couple doth profess their “perfect” love a bit too much, no?
Check out this photo from June:
And this one of the happy little family:
And here’s Bey just really spelling it out for us:
Then again, there’s also this one — is this a friend zone kiss or what?
4. The On The Run Tour
Why did it start a mere three months after Beyoncé’s last tour ended? That’s barely enough time to rehearse the new show! Does this woman hate downtime? Or does she hate having to LIVE A LIE? The sooner the tour is done with, the sooner Bey and Jay can get on with their (separate) lives.
5. The rings coming off
We’re happy to buy the argument that wearing a massive rock on your left hand while performing isn’t a good idea and yeah, Bey and Jay have matching ring finger tattoos that (semi-permanently) celebrate their union. However: there are rumblings that the couple’s ’til-death-do-us-part ink is fading or — gasp! — is in the process of being removed. E! Online has photographic evidence and it’s damning.
6. Marriage counsellors (allegedly) hired
Page Six was the first to report that Jay-Z has summoned a team of counsellors to tour with the (again, allegedly) troubled couple. “They are trying to figure out a way to split without divorcing,” a so-called insider told the paper. “This is a huge concert tour and they’ve already gotten most of the money from the promoters up front.” Wonder if they’ve heard of a little thing called “conscious uncoupling”?
7. Speaking of Gwyneth…
Like sneezes, blind mice, and Bronte sisters, breakups always come in threes. Beyoncé bestie Lady Gwyneth Paltrow split from her rockier husband Sir Chris Martin last March. That means we’ve still got two more earth-shattering breakups to try to get through this year (unless you count Paula Patton and Robin Thicke).
To those of you playing devil’s advocate: if you think that a Jay and Bey breakup is no big deal, or if you’re doubting Beyoncé’s ability to bring Western civilization down with her when she falls, just remember how powerful she is and who she’s got working for her. Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re off to buy sleeping bags and some water purification tablets.