Life Love
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Before anyone can awkwardly fidget and fib their way through a first date, two potential lovebirds must first decide on a place to meet. An online dating app recently analyzed their users’ data and learned that a little-known coffee chain called Starbucks was Canada’s No. 1 spot. Surprised? We’re not. Pumpkin spice, y’all.

If deciding on a location is a challenge, that’s nothing compared to what happens when you get there. Here are 70 thoughts that probably have run through your head in a Starbucks on a first date, while you’re finding out if it’s love, lust or someone you wish you had swiped left.

    1. Starbucks, really?
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    1. Don’t be so cynical. This is why you’re still single.
    2. This is a nice Starbucks! Ample seating…
    3. That person is sitting alone. Is that him/her?
    4. Blue scarf. Yup, that’s my date.
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    1. I’m too nervous. I should leave.
    2. Do you want to die alone? Just say hello.
    3. He/she’s standing up. What a great smile! I can do this.
    4. Aw, nards! We’re going in for the hug…
    5. Wow! That hug was the perfect mix of “I’m warm and friendly” and “I’m a tiger between the sheets”. Well done, us.
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    1. We’re gonna get married.
    2. You’re getting ahead of yourself. You and Dr. Vuchnik have discussed this pattern.
    3. We should order.
    4. I want whipped cream.
    5. Nobody marries anyone who has whipped cream on the first date.
    6. I’ll have tea. Chai tea.
    7. “Oprah’s” Chai Tea is ridiculous. Oprah doesn’t own chai tea.
    8. Oprah might actually own chai tea.
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    1. I’ll Google “chai tea owner” later.
    2. Maybe India owns it.
    3. I’d like to go to India some day.
    4. I need to write down and print off my bucket list.
    5. I need to buy a printer cartridge.
    6. Oh yeah, I’m on a date. I should give a fake name for my order. That will be funny.
    7. Will that be funny or will it make me seem like a serial killer?
    8. Is he/she a serial killer? Time will tell…
    9. Who should pay? I’ll pay so I’m not indebted to anyone.
    10. He/she paid! We’re getting married, for sure.
    11. I really need to stop this.
    12. Great, a window table. Now, everyone who walks by will see this awkwardness.
    13. At least I can jump out of it if things go terribly wrong.
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    1. Did they just renovate this Starbucks? I think they did. I remember it being closed for a few days and that’s when I went to Second Cup. The coffee was just as good, but they don’t have the app you can pay with…
    2. ….what did he/she just say? Crap, I was thinking about this fancy Starbucks reno.
    3. Say something that could be a response to anything!
    4. “Fascinating?” That’s the best you could come up with? At best, you sound insane and, at worst, you sound sarcastic.
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    1. I should download the new Serial podcast.
    2. I need to buy some Cheerios.
    3. Wow, he/she must have a very long torso; he/she wasn’t that tall during the hug.
    4. Am I shorter than I think I am?
    5. I should talk about books. Smart people read books, and people marry smart people.
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    1. Who’s a good author to know?
    2. “SALMAN RUSHTON?” You didn’t even say it right! Now you’re gonna be the dummy in the story this person tells about their idiot date.
    3. What’s with the flask?
    4. That’s a lot of whiskey for a tall coffee.
    5. That’s a lot of whiskey for 3 p.m. on a Sunday.
    6. That’s a lot of whiskey period.
    7. Fabulous. My date’s an alcoholic.
    8. Meh…I’ve dated worse.
    9. Wait, what’s with this brochure?
    10. “Have you ever wanted to go into business for yourself?” That’s a weird first date question.
    11. Shouldn’t we be talking about movies we like instead of how much money I could be making every month if I just sign up for this very simple…
    12. No, oh please God, no…
    13. …IT’S A PYRAMID SCHEME!!!!
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    1. THIS COULD ONLY HAPPEN TO ME!
    2. Be cool, just be cool. Sip your Oprah juice, be thankful you weren’t offered any Kool-Aid and figure out how to get out of here!
    3. My escape window is painted shut! Well played, ‘bucks…
    4. The line for coffee is blocking the door. WHY MUST YOU BE SO POPULAR, CARAMEL MACCHIATO?!?!
    5. “For a very small investment I, too, could be working for myself?????” Guess what? I bounced two cheques last month. I can invest two bus tokens, tops.
    6. I hate my life.
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    1. Dr. Vuchnik is gonna have a field day with this one.
    2. I’m just going to say I gotta use the bathroom and then bust through that line and walk right out the front door.
    3. If I swipe that spiked coffee, then I can at least get super drunk on the way home.
    4. Aaaaaaand I’ve spilled it…all over the brochure.
    5. Oh, no. Oh, HEEEELLLLLL NO! YOU are walking out on ME?!?! For ruining a stupid brochure?
    6. Yeah, you better keep walkin’! I’m gonna use this dumb brochure as toilet paper, pal!
    7. That would actually really hurt, I’m not gonna do that.
    8. He/she’s…gone…
    9. My soul mate just walked out of my life.
    10. If I can get a few tears going, I bet they’d give me a venti cup full of just whipped cream to go.
    11. I need to make some changes.
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