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With Kiesza singing tunes on a giant white piano, Stephen Harper and The Trailer Park Boys making a cameo and Alanis bringing us to tears right at the end with her “I love Canada” speech, we watched the most Canadian of award shows wrap up for another year. Whether we want to admit it or not, us Canadians are a weird bunch and we’re sure these 72 (mostly weird) thoughts also ran through your mind while watching the 2015 Juno Awards.

    1. Wait, this venue isn’t called Copps Coliseum anymore!?
    2. Stephen Harper is no Barack Obama.
    3. Is that an all-girl’s troupe of drummers accompanying Jacob Hoggard on stage? Yeah, that’s all right! #badasslittlegirls
    4. Arkells won the Group of the Year Award. What a surprise (said no one anywhere)… #welldeserved
    5. Jacob calling Ben Mulroney “daddy’s boy” was funny. Like “haha” funny and everything.
    6. When is Drake going to win an award?
    7. Why isn’t Drake here?
    8. Drake?
    9. Why are so many categories “sponsored?”
    10. What if a category can’t get sponsored? How will we know who the best polka artist is? Hahaha! Of course all Canadians know Walter Ostanek is the world’s reigning polka king.
    11. Why do I know that?
    12. Kiesza has a great voice and this pared-down performance proves she’s not just a ’90s throwback dance artist!
    13. Kiesza
    14. Oh, snap! Kiesza and her crew are serving serious dance moves. The kind we did to “Now That’s What I Call Music!” compilation CDs back in the day.
    15. But, where are the Electric Circus dancers when you need them?
    16. Was that the Running Man they just did? It was!
    17. Omg, remember Sugar Jones?
    18. When is the Sugar Jones reunion tour happening?
    19. Sugar Jones?
    20. Who was that hot bearded guy?
    21. Jamie Dornan is at the Junos?!
    22. No, wait, that’s the guy from Adventure Club…
    23. Adventure Club
    24. Thank you Magic for dressing in matching suits like boy bands of yesteryear. So very Four Tops of you.
    25. Hamilton is the city of waterfalls? Who knew?
    26. Having the Arkells play 30 minutes into the show was a good idea, cause everyone’s all, “WHEN are the Arkells gonna perform?”
    27. Watching the Arkells perform backed by a full orchestra is better than chocolate.
    28. DAMN, there are a lot of fine looking bearded dudes at this show!
    29. This is the biggest venue in the history of awards show. Pretty sure all of Hamilton is in there (a sizeable contingency from Ancaster, too).
    30. Leonard Cohen is nominated? WHAT? What year is this?
    31. Nickleback is nominated? WHAT? What hell is this?
    32. Leonard Cohen won! Because HE’S YOUR MAN!
    33. That better not be my mom texting to say Leonard Cohen deserved that win. Yeah, I get it, living legend. K, thx, bye.
    34. Shawn Mendes performs. Totally thought a bald-headed guy was going to come out breakdancing to Top 40 music. Oops! That’s Shawn Desmond! My bad.
    35. Guitar kid is good though.
    36. Producer/songwriter Glenn Ballard inducts Alanis Morissette into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame. He kinda looks like Mick Jagger and Keith Richards—in one.
    37. I dig it.
    38. Alanis looks ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL.
    39. alanis morissette
    40. Jagged Little Pill was released 20 years ago. TWENTY YEARS AGO. As Yoda would say, “Why so old are you?
    41. Really Chantal Kreviazuk? Really Raine Maida? You guys couldn’t be there in person? Especially Raine? God, Raine you are still so fine after all these years sir…
    42. [singing] Raaaaaaine! Wait for me! Take me up in your hot air balloon and feed me cotton candy!
    43. Alanis is wearing a pretty kickass jacket. Would love to own a jacket like that. Where is that jacket from?
    44. Alanis says Canadians are dialogical—twice.
    45. What does dialogical mean?
    46. Or, right, dialogical
    47. Alanis was in love with her lesbian teacher? *cleans ears*
    48. Alanis looks so good she could turn ME into a lesbian.
    49. Again, Alanis is looking good! #nobotox
    50. The Weeknd made it onto the telecast. Why is he giving me Terence Trent D’Arby levels of goosebumps? That’s a good thing!
    51. Holy, that bearded guy is HOT!
    52. Breakthrough Artist of the Year Award goes to Kiesza. Her body’s like, “Whoa!” Eat your heart out JLo.
    53. They’re playing out Kiesza during her acceptance speech? A few errant guitar chords is how we play people out in Canada on awards shows? K.
    54. Jacob Hogarth in a yellow leotard … did he “stuff”… #ponder #stuffegate
    55. Canada has nothing but love for music teachers. Magic told us so.
    56. Why is Magic on so often during this show? What wizardry have they unleashed on these proceedings? Sweet, ska-inflicted wizardry!
    57. Who is singing with Deadmau5? She has amazing legs. Her legs are better than Taylor Swift’s legs. There, I said it! I’m not taking it back.
    58. Melanie Durant is channeling Patti Labelle hair. Kinda love it.
    59. But, WHO is THAT hot bearded guy?
    60. That is THE hot bearded guy: SAM ROBERTS!
    61. Sam Roberts
    62. Mmmm… Sam Roberts…
    63. Mmm… Bearded Sam Roberts…
    64. Mmm…
    65. Lights and Sam Roberts Band duet was good.
    66. Beau Bokan is rocking those disco pants like nobody’s business!
    67. When was the last time I went to the gym?
    68. I can’t even fit into stretchy pants right now. Thanks a lot Beau Bokan! Now I hate me.
    69. The Government of Canada is one of the category sponsors? K, why are they still hunting me down for my student loans then? WHY. You clearly are flush with money Government of Canada seeing as you can SPONSOR categories!
    70. Is the mayor of Calgary wearing a cowboy shirt underneath his blazer? We get it Naheed Nenshi. You’re the coolest and you’re from Calgary. Yeehaw!
      Naheed Nenshi

    71. Jann Arden is a blonde now! What! Nothing makes sense anymore in this world.
    72. Artist of the year nominees include Bryan Adams, Leonard Cohen, and Sarah McLaughlin. Again: is this in fact 2015? Where can I confirm this?
    73. Alanis sings a medley of her hits including “Uninvited,” “You Oughta Know,” and “Thank U.”
    74. Patiently awaiting the pirated YouTube video of this performance to rip ASAP. #heavensent
    75. Jacob’s “Thank U” medley was the funniest part of the show.
    76. The show ended after exactly 2 hours — Canadians are always so damn polite AND on time. Woohoo.