Life Parenting
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It’s the beginning of the school year, so your child needs to look fresh-to-death with a few new threads (we heard those expressions in a hip hop video). You could spend hundreds of dollars at a department store, OR you could hit up Ardene – home of the world’s cutest cheap stuff. But be warned: get in and get out as quickly as you can – we can’t be responsible for what happens to you on the inside. You’ll be under their spell, so don’t freak out when the following thoughts go through your hypnotized brain.

  1. It smells like a tire factory in here.
  2. What is this terrible song they’re playing? This store is my version of…
  3. Hello, cute sweater!

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  4. Nope…you’re here for her, not you. Stop it.
  5. Your daughter needs shoes. Find your daughter some shoes.
  6. Where are the shoes?
  7. Maybe if I turn around…
  8. Aaaaand…that is literally a WALL of shoes.

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  9. I want them all…
  10. Stop it!
  11. Those racks are seven pairs deep…
  12. …ceiling to floor…
  13. …oh god, and there’s ANOTHER full wall of shoes…
  14. …there are THOUSANDS of pairs of shoes in this place…
  15. …and I have to choose ONE???
  16. OMG BUY ONE GET A SECOND PAIR 50% OFF?????
  17. They’re basically GIVING them away!

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  18. I’ll buy a pair for her and a pair for me…
  19. You do not need shoes…stop it!
  20. Wow! They have TOMS shoes – that’s the company that gives a pair to a child in need when I buy a pair.
  21. Shopping here makes me a good person.

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  22. Nope. These are DOMS shoes.
  23. But I bet DOM still gives a pair to a kid in need, right?
  24. Who am I kidding? A kid in need made these shoes.
  25. In fact, every single pair of shoes on that wall represents our culture of consumerism that exploits resources and human beings so that we “Westerners” can have our…
  26. CUTE BACKPACKS!
  27. STOP IT!
  28. Why does this backpack say “Hot Mess”?

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  29. Oh no…is “hot mess” some new sex move that the kids are all doing on the Snapchat?
  30. Is my daughter pregnant from hot messing?
  31. Quick Google search…
  32. Ah! A hot mess is, “when one’s thoughts or appearance are in a state of disarray but they maintain an undeniable attractiveness or beauty.”
  33. I’m a hot mess!
  34. So I NEED this backpack…
  35. OMG CUTE SKINNY BELTS!
  36. Seriously. Just. Stop.
  37. These jeans have fake pockets.
  38. These shorts are just pockets and crotch!
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  39. Is this a string bikini for a 10-year-old?
  40. What is THIS thing? It’s gauze with zippers.
  41. Why won’t this song stop assaulting my ears?
  42. This singer is basically just whining.
  43. She just sang, “help me with my math/always make me laugh/even when it’s not funny/say I’ll be your number one-y”?
  44. But my kid is a math whiz!
  45. Could she be pretending to be dumb, and fake-laughing at a boy’s jokes so he’ll hot mess with her behind the school?

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  46. WHAT ARE WE TEACHING OUR YOUNG WOMEN?
  47. WHY AM I TAPPING MY FOOT TO THE BEAT OF THIS SONG?
  48. GET ME OUT OF….
  49. Hair Accessories!
  50. Bows are back? Fun!
  51. This green one is adorable.
  52. I wonder how they attach it to the clip? Is it glue or…….aaaaaand I’ve broken it.
  53. I barely touched it!
  54. Should I tell a salesperson?
  55. I bet they’ll put me in some Ardene jail where I have make scrunchies forever like that poor kid who made those DOMS.
  56. Okay, here comes a salesperson. Just be cool…nothing to see here…

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  57. “I’M GREAT, THANK YOU BECKY. AND HOW ARE YOU ON THIS, THE FINEST OF DAYS?”
  58. Phew. She walked away as though she didn’t even listen to my response…
  59. …I could’ve worked for CSIS if I wanted.
  60. I’ll just drop it behind the rack here….
  61. …and there’s already a pile of broken crap down here…
  62. …we are a gross species.

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  63. Ooooo! Nailpolish!
  64. Rubber boots!
  65. Pre-ripped jeans!
  66. A shirt that says “Bonjour”!
  67. Another that says “Step Off”!
  68. Shiny bangles!
  69. Glittery necklaces!
  70. Piles and piles of panties!
  71. Wow, free Kool Aid? Don’t mind if I do…

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  72. STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!
  73. You need to leave this place.
  74. Get the shoes, pay, and get out.
  75. DOMS it is. I’m sorry, child-who-made-this. I’m doing my best.
  76. I’ll be sure to donate something to someone less fortunate than me…
  77. Oooo! Like a pair of DOMS!
  78. Second pair is half-off!
  79. I hate myself.

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