Recently in the news, a travesty occurred. Millions of people across the globe were effected. Thousands of men openly wept, children gasped with horror and an entire generation shook their heads in dismay. Was it a wartime atrocity? No. Was it a natural disaster? You’re getting closer. Was it a decision made by a few shadowy men in a dark room solely for financial gain? Cue the sirens.
You see, it was recently announced that there would be a Tetris movie. You are reading that correctly: a movie based on the game that consists entirely of falling tiles. How will this work?, you may be asking yourself, along with almost everyone else on the planet under 40 with access to electronic gaming. Nobody knows. Why would anyone want to see this? Again, nobody knows. What will the dialogue look like? Here’s one idea:
COMMANDER: We’ve been hit! We need one of those long skinny ones!
FIRST ADMIRAL: God-dammit, we’ve only got one of those crappy red ones!
COMMANDER: Nobody likes those crappy red ones!
And so on.
The only reason for making said game seems to be the fact that it is a recognizable brand name. This seems to be reason most video game movies ever get made. We here at The Loop decided to remind you of some of the other video game movies that beg the question: Do video game movies ever work?
Super Mario Bros
The game itself is perhaps one of the most played and recognizable games of all time (perhaps second only to, gulp, Tetris). An Italian immigrant plumber jumps on turtles and saves his erstwhile girlfriend. It sounds simple enough, but the early 90s movie turned the simple premise into an industrial techno funkstomp with career-low performances from both Bob Hoskins AND Dennis Hopper. Combine that with a script seemingly written by someone in the final throes of a bad mushroom trip (the repeated climactic scene features the repeated phrase “Trust the fungus”) and you’ve got, officially, the worst video game movie of all time.
This ultimately forgettable eye-wreck has a rent-paying performance by none other than Aussie pop icon Kylie Minogue, who moonlights here as British fighter Cammy. Jean-Claude Van Damme hams it up as Guile, and everyone else punches and kicks their way through a particularly violent Benneton ad.
Pre-A-list Angelina Jolie runs around in a tank top and shorts and pouts while things blow up around her. This should work, but somewhere around the 20-minute mark the movie makes the mistake of taking itself seriously. And then you’re stuck with a smash cut of exotic locales and odd dialogue that’s about as good as someone sitting on the remote, constantly flipping between channels. No bueno, Angelina. Lo siento.
Resident Evil/Silent Hill
Milla Jokovich/Radha Mitchell outrun zombies/monsters and saves the world/a kid from total destruction via a virus/total destruction via a dimension to hell. Are the movies any good? Well, that all depends on your predeliction towards people who should know better doing things they probably shouldn’t. Both franchises benefit from strong female leads who for all intents and purposes kick ass AND take names; the Resident Evil series in particular has spawned a veritable franchise that seems to keep on going. Should they work? No. But where Angelina Jolie’s Tomb Raider took itself way too seriously, both Silent Hill and Resident Evil turn up the stoopid to 10 and charm their way into your brain. Not bad for late night viewing with a few friends, quite frankly.
The Mortal Kombat movie is so bad that it inverses upon itself and actually becomes … well … not terrible. The over-the-top fight scenes and school-for-the-deaf acting turn what could have been a complete non-sequiteur (see: Street Fighter) into a wholly unpretentious fight movie that features a man powered by lightning who can also fly. It’s big. It’s dumb. It’s stupid. But it seems to know all this and neither apologize for it nor care. And that’s why it’s our favorite.