If you’re looking for a gift for the Timothée Chalamet fan in your life but you also hate that person, we have the item for you. A new one of a kind Timothée Chalamet ventriloquist doll is now available for sale on eBay and is more upsetting to watch than Beautiful Boy, and that film is heartbreaking.
The new doll is handcrafted and designed to replicate Chalamet’s look from the 2019 Golden Globes, where he lost out in the Best Supporting Actor category and then lost again when he was turned into a ventriloquist dummy. Sporting Chalamet’s custom Louis Vuitton outfit, including the black sequined harness, black pants and black button up shirt, the dummy captures Chalamet’s floppy curls and piercing eyes. It will also capture your soul if you look directly at it, so we recommend keeping your eyes to the left or right of the doll at all times.
The only thing better than the actual doll is the price tag and description. Starting at a reasonable opening bid of $122,795 USD, naturally, the doll incurs a $9.30 expedited shipping rate, because you’re going to want to part with your life savings and receive your new doll immediately. Honestly, we can’t believe shipping isn’t included. That’s a real make-or-break point of contention for us. On the other hand (the one not working the wooden mouth of a dummy), the seller is committing 20 per cent of the sale price to The Trevor Project, which almost makes us feel bad for joking about the doll except that no one is paying this outsize price tag and therefore zero dollars are going to charity.
The dummy is a one-of-a-kind handcrafted piece, with the body constructed from white pine, upholstered in foam and quilted fabric. As the seller points out, the Chalamini, as we will call it when it’s sitting in our living room, “Makes a perfect gift for any occasion, from baby shower to bar mitzvah!” We would have loved to see the SNL skit were this doll is given as a baby shower gift.
But maybe the best part of the doll’s description is the last line, which reads “Sorry, due to the very low price on this, stand is not included.” This is Apple’s doing.
Chalamet has yet to comment on the ventriloquist dummy, possibly because he’s locked in the tower of a castle until someone buys the doll, brings the curse to an end and sets him free, but that hasn’t stopped the Twitterverse from sharing their two cents. Or however many cents go into $122,795 USD, plus $9.30 shipping, plus the cost of a stand.
my therapist: timothée dummy can’t hurt you, he’s not real
timothée dummy: pic.twitter.com/87Z4YY1mMN
— gina (@chalameche) May 27, 2019
*Some guy makes a Timothee Chalamet ventriloquist dummy*
Timothee Chalamet: We’re all just dolls. Puppets with the large white hand of capitalism shoved into our throats, forcing us to regurgitate the doctrine of our oppressors.
— rachael (@RomComRachael) June 10, 2019
So y’all trying to tell me I’m the only one obsessed with timothée Chalamet ventriloquist doll? They got my man looking like Kim Jong-il. pic.twitter.com/h2a4mah16T
— brett (@foxymulder666) June 4, 2019
not sure why no1s talking about how the timothee chalamet ventriloquist doll is literally jonathan cheban pic.twitter.com/8r5gKmq4hX
— alias (@wutever_4ever_) June 10, 2019
Sorry but that Timothée Chalamet doll looks like Bronson Pinchot from Perfect Strangers. pic.twitter.com/06gzCEG3rk
— Darrwyn (@theoriginofpcs) June 10, 2019
In all fairness to the doll maker, who we should point out currently has a 100 percent positive feedback rating on eBay, the doll is pretty accurate and much better than most celebrity wax figures we’ve seen