Dear Mr. Stewart,
Just wanted to drop you a line to tell you how much we appreciate the nearly two decades you spent entertaining us, educating us, and causing us to do multiple spit-takes while eating our favourite late night snacks. You’ll be sorely missed by those of us in Canada when you leave The Daily Show later this year.
We understand that you don’t have any plans for your post-Daily Show life (other than some family dinners, which you’ve more than earned). Perhaps you’d consider leaving New York for a more laid back life in Canada? There are many reasons to migrate north of the border, so we’d recommend giving it some serious thought. Here’s why:
1. The job opportunities
Sure, any Canadian television network would be thrilled to have you, but after 18.5 years on The Daily Show, you might be ready to do something else. Did you know that you can make a comfortable $40k a year working at a McDonalds in Fort McMurray? (That’s double what they make in Queens.) Sports fan? Perhaps you’d like to coach a major league Canadian franchise. The turnover rate for the coaching staff of Toronto teams is shockingly high. You could be the new head honcho of Toronto’s soccer club by the end of the week — or hold out for a year and see if you can get hired by the Leafs instead. Then again, maybe you’re ready to sit back, put your feet up, and relax. In that case, we’d recommend retiring… to the Canadian Senate.
2. You can afford to enter our real estate market
Congratulations! With sale prices of detached homes in Toronto and Vancouver averaging around a million dollars, you’re among a select few who have the cash to own a house in one of our world-class cities.
3. You’ve got friends in Canada
You and Maziar Bahari, the Canadian-Iranian journalist whose story your 2014 movie Rosewater is based on, are longtime pals. You’re also friends with Canadian Daily Show correspondents Samantha Bee and Jason Jones.
4. You already know your way around the place
Four days in town during last fall’s Toronto International Film Festival doesn’t exactly make you an expert on the city but you probably became pretty familiar with the GTA when you were here filming Danny DeVito’s Death to Smoochy back in 2002. Move anywhere in Canada and we promise never to mention Death to Smoochy again. Deal?
5. You can have your own day
We can’t make any guarantees just yet but you may have noticed that we celebrate September 5 as Bill Murray Day here in Canada. Something to keep in mind.
6. This country is a comedy goldmine
You’ve heard of Toronto’s former mayor, right?
7. Justin Bieber
Here we refer to the lack thereof and all of its associated benefits. The Biebs may be from Canada, but he lives in your country now. (It’s true, he visits once a year to ride ATVs and harass minivan drivers but so long as you stay away from Stratford during the summer months, you should be okay.)
8. You’ll be a citizen of the Commonwealth
Swear your allegiance to the Queen of England and become part of an intergovernmental organization with 53 member states covering nearly 25% of the earth’s land mass, and with a combined GDP of $14.62 trillion. Sexy, right?
9. We’ve got an election coming up
If the lead singer from a little band called Herringbone can become our Prime Minister, surely the face of a popular comedy news show has a shot at the job? Herringbone isn’t even a good band name! The position comes with a lot of perks like your own dogsled, all you can eat poutine, and the ability to skate to work from late September all the way through April. We’ll even give you your own Canadian passport and a little pin for your backpack!
Think about it, Mr. Stewart. A friendly, overly-apologetic populace and all the good chip flavours are waiting for you.