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Watch as the great, gazelle-like legs of a once-beloved uncle take shape. He arches his left shank to inspect his plumage, a sign that he’s preparing to take stock of his biological offering.

Call it window dressing, as he stands before a window. A crack between two drapes volunteers a cascade of light – it’s the sun’s rays, known to our subject as a way to replenish vitamin D. He basks in the glow, presenting his cheek and forehead while he brushes his hair back with his masculine, determined paw.

This species, native to Greece, goes by the name John Stamos. From the genus homowhich comprises the species homo sapiens (humans), the John Stamos is known to wear a shirt, but no pants. He presents to his fellow man (in this case, Paper Magazine) by deploying what fellow human Tyra Banks would call a “booty tooch.”

As we see below from this rare glimpse of John Stamos, 52, the act of displaying one’s buttocks requires a kind of determined showmanship. First, the leg lift, for maximum exposure and volume. The arm lifts, not merely to enjoy the sun, but to extend his human form. The inviting folds of drapery, while flesh-like, serve a practical purpose (as in, they aren’t just simulating a vagina): the introduction of butt-flattering shadows and lighting.

All things considered, there you have it. John Stamos and his fully formed butt.

Paper Magazine