There are some things in this world that simply do not have a purpose.
One of them is non-alcoholic beer (what is even with that stuff?). Another one, of course, is decaffeinated coffee. That’s why we were a little disappointed when we learned a Canadian company is opening an exclusively decaf coffee shop in New York City –the city that never sleeps.
Burnaby, B.C.-based company Swiss Water opened a pop-up shop on Oct. 30 and will hand out free samples until Nov. 8. There are currently no plans to open up an actual store, which is great, because practically every second they remain open, they make Canada look a little worse.
“Caffeine can cure your hangover, save your life and make your colleagues moderately tolerable at 9 a.m.,” wrote The Gothamist. “And now some Canadian weirdos are taking it away from us.”
You hear that, Canada? Just five days into its existence, this coffee shop has already managed to relegate us up alongside the “weirdos” of the world. Another New York-based publication, meanwhile, referred to the shop as “the first sign of cultural apocalypse.”
After years of debunking ridiculous igloo myths, we now have to deal with this. Thanks, Swiss Water!
In a stroke of sympathy, the CBC actually tried to defend the company (and the existence of decaf coffee) writing: “To us Canadians who hibernate in the winter, decaf makes complete sense.”
Can you say “lol”?
Er, not really, CBC. A good effort, but the Coffee Association of Canada reports that the most common kind of coffee in Canada is traditional coffee, with 55 per cent of drinkers choosing it. Decaf? A mere five per cent. Winter doesn’t have anything to do with it, folks — there is nothing Canadian about decaf coffee.
At least with the name “Swiss Water,” we’re sure at least a few New Yorkers will blame Europe for this.
But before you run off and think we’re bashing a Canadian company trying to make a start in the U.S., it’s probably worth noting that we never take America’s side on anything. Ever. But we just felt it morally irresponsible to try and defend this:
After all, just look at all those New Yorkers, sampling decaf coffee and planning their next Canada-bashing gag. They’ve already started appearing on social media:
There is a coffee shop in New York has opened which sells ONLY decaf coffee. That is the worst thing Ive ever heard. Like why. — Aimee Jakes (@aimeejakes) November 2, 2015
i hear their next concept is an alcohol-free wine bar: Caffeine-Free Coffee Shop https://t.co/lgpXlOsJc9
— katherine sprung (@iamsprung) October 30, 2015
Who opens a decaf coffee shop? These are the enemies of man. https://t.co/s9VTja0049
— Simon Waxman (@SimonWaxman) November 2, 2015
When the company finally pulls out on Nov. 8, Canada will be left to pick up the pieces of its shattered reputation.
But hey, at least we’ll have some caffeine to keep us awake while we do it.