Sex is the universal language, and comedians speak it fluently. They masterfully describe the juicy (or if you’re less fortunate, dry) details we commonly experience doing the dirty, but cleverly package these stories in a way that makes us laugh instead of recoil. The following 10 comedians have perfectly captured all that is awesome and awful about sex. (But mostly the latter, it is comedy after all.)
1. Louis C.K. on what not to do while giving a handjob.
Louis C.K. has been hailed the greatest comedian of our time. In one routine from 2007, C.K. reminisces about the saddest handjob he’d ever received from his ex-wife: “I can’t even enjoy my orgasm because the second I’m coming she points my dick away from stuff going ‘ew, careful!’”
Lesson learned: We get it, it’s not pleasant getting covered in sticky man-juice, but try to hide your disgust and let us at least enjoy the experience? Pretend if you have to.
2. Jerry Seinfeld on why men are sexual morons.
In this clip’s seven minutes, Seinfeld covers all that is involved in the sex-having process, from the absurdity of honking you car’s horn to grab a woman’s attention “what is she supposed to do? Kick off the heels and start running after the car?”, to the complexities of a female orgasm: “women have two types of orgasms: the actual ones and the ones that they make up on their own.”
Lesson learned: Dating can be incredibly awkward, but you must endure the bad experiences along with the good. Remember: You can’t score unless you shoot!
3. Joan Rivers on what happens to aging genitals.
Joan Rivers is a geriatric force to be reckoned with. In this 2004 set, Rivers discusses — from experience, I’m assuming — that the first thing to droop on a woman as she ages, are her graying lady-bits: “When you get old, your vagina’s going to drop, but it’s a good thing, because you can have sex in the bedroom and still be watching TV in the living room.”
Lesson learned: Genitals are ugly under the best of circumstances. As you age, though, they only become more hideous. So have some fun while they’re at their least ugly!
4. Chelsea Handler on purchasing sex toys on eBay.
I was fortunate enough to see Chelsea Handler’s standup routine for her book Uganda Be Kidding Me, and she did not disappoint. In this quick, two-minute vintage clip, Handler covers pregnancy, adoption, alcohol, vibrators and anal beads: “If I’m dating/sleeping with a guy, and he shows up on my doorstep with anal beads and a flashlight, I’m going to ask a couple of questions: like, what’s up with the flashlight?”
Lesson learned: You’re probably going to contract an STD if you purchased a used sex toy. Also, don’t rule out anal beads.
5. Amy Schumer on why porn could use a little innovation.
In 2012, Schumer mused about the predictable ending to every porn movie: the money shot. “I don’t like to watch the end of any porn because guess what happens at the end of the rainbow every time? Spoiler alert: he comes on her face!” The act gets particularly entertaining Schumer imitates an unfortunate female porn actress after the cameras stop rolling and nobody cares to even hand her a towel to clean up.
Lesson learned: Surprise us once in a while! We’re over the format used in EVERY porn sequence. For those unfamiliar with said format (though you’re definitely lying), it proceeds as follows: unrelateable circumstance where heavy petting begins, then oral sex, followed by penetrative sex, and last but not least, the money shot. Bo-ring!
6. Robin Williams on why Viagara is a woman’s worst nightmare.
In this set from 2002, Williams shoots out about 10 jokes a minute, and acts out each joke in the most hilarious and excited way. One of the more memorable moments is when Williams addresses the lasting effects of Viagara. “Grandpa can have wood again! And your grandmother’s going ‘oh shit I thought the war was over! God, get me a tetanus shot if you’re going to prick me with that rusty thing.’”
Lesson learned: The whole ED phase is a stage of euphoria for women. However, thanks to Viagara, this juncture is very short-lived.
7. Sarah Silverman on why women in porn lack self-respect.
In this clip from 2005, Silverman lends her infantile voice to music, and writes/sings a catchy-yet-witty tune that questions how women in porn have any self-respect. A standout lyric being: “Your vagina has so many penises in it, that you might as well talk about the times there are none in it.”
Lesson learned: After being employed as a porn star, sex is totally ruined for you. So weigh your options before you decide to disrobe under studio lighting and model your name after a luxury car.
8. Kevin Hart on how small problems become big problems in relationships.
In this set, the pint-size comedian divulges his hatred for new couples. You know, when everything is excessively cutesy and seen through rose-coloured glasses. He prefers couples who’ve put their time in; because with these couples, small problems become big problems. Like juice, for instance. “Now you want to take a drink of my juice and now I’m stuck with a little ass sip because your over-thirsty ass wants to take another sip? No! walk your fat ass inside, you sipping juice bastard.”
Lesson learned: Everything you once loved about your partner, you will grow to hate. This is a given.
9. Dane Cook on how cheating always bites you in the ass.
I totally expect this to be a disputed choice. But in the lengthy clip, Cook hilariously explains how, after cheating on your partner, every single item you pass on your way to bed taunts you — your front lock (which has never been louder), your hardwood floor (which creeks sound eerily similar to “cheater”, “liar” and “you’re a loser”), and how, in any other instance, your partner would still be asleep when you make it to bed, but in this case, they wake up violently and say something like “Hi Perfect.”
Lesson learned: DON’T CHEAT.
10. Chris Rock on why men are less likely to resist sexual temptation.
In this amazing set, Rock touches on how women boast about turning down sex all the time. Men never do. The reason for this, according to Rock, is that it’s easier for women because they get offered dick, like, three times a day. As for men, Rock remarks: “Nobody offers us shit. We have to fend for ourselves.”
Lesson learned: Women grow to resent men hitting on them because it happens so often. Men being hit on is much rarer, meaning he may humour the offer a little more.