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Dear global warming,

Look, we Canadians were relatively cool with you at first. We think we’ve been especially tolerant–dare we say, even polite–about your destructive ways. We were cool when you raised the world’s temperature by about one degree. Sure, it had some harsh effects around the globe, but we enjoyed the slightly milder winters here at home. We even swallowed our protests when you raised the price of food, somewhat dramatically. Heck, our former prime minister even allowed you to grow stronger, changing policies to accommodate you.

The point is, we’ve been really nice here, global warming.

Slowly, however, we noticed our ski season was getting a little shorter. And then we noticed that you’re melting the entire northern half of our country. Not cool, global warming–but we were still willing to tolerate it. We really were.

But then you went and did the unthinkable: You started threatening our ice rinks.

That’s right. Researchers are saying that in the span of just one generation, outdoor ice rink season will dwindle to only one month. When that happens, the season will be too short to make the creation of outdoor ice rinks worthwhile, and we’ll lose this vital part of our culture. All because of you, global warming. Just look at what you’ve done to us!

Fail

Well you know what, you pile of methane gas? Sorry we’ve been so accommodating. Sorry we practically rolled out the red and white carpet for your throat-clogging smog buddies. Our new prime minister has appointed a minister of climate change, and now we’re about to go all David Suzuki on you. You need to either stop melting our ice immediately, or we will be forced to take drastic action to reclaim our winter.

First, we will build an igloo so large your paltry 1 degree of warming won’t be able to penetrate it. Canadians will remain firmly within the confines of the igloo at all times to maintain healthy core temperatures, finally realizing the misguided stereotypes long held by Americans.

Next, we will initiate our own version of The Day After Tomorrow by turning on every snow machine in the country until we can fill an entire rocket with some grade-A Canadian winter, which we will then launch directly into the Sun. You think you’re tough? Just wait until we’re skating on the freaking stars. Then we’ll see what’s up.

Finally, we will amass an army of every cold-dwelling animal we find, from polar bears to Orcas, and send them frigidly marching against you. Believe us, they aren’t happy with your recent treatment of their arctic homeland and are eager to let you know.

We will also freeze the entire planet’s supply of maple syrup, just because.

As a demonstration of good faith, Canada will dial down oilsands production for the next year. If we do not see a noticeable amount of slippery sidewalks come winter, you can politely expect a snow-filled rocket to be heading in your direction.

See you on the ice.

Love,

Canada

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