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DRUNK FLORIDA MAN TRIES TO USE TACO AS I.D.

They say you are what you eat, but come on. Police recently found Florida resident Matthew Falkner passed out at the wheel of his car while sitting in the drive-through lane of a Taco Bell (off to a good start, right?). To make things worse, when Falkner fell asleep, his foot was still on the gas pedal, causing his engine to catch fire. That’s how officers found him. “A deputy awoke Falkner and then asked for his ID. Falkner said ‘no’ before reaching into his bag and presenting the officer with a taco. Another deputy clarified they were asking for an ID, not a taco. Falkner chuckled and began eating the taco,” the police reportedly said. Falkner has since been booked on DUI charges.

Man Fails Paternity Test Because Unborn Twin Is The Biological Father Of His Son

Someone get Maury Povich on the line! A U.S. couple was left scratching their heads after discovering their newborn baby didn’t have the same blood type as either of them. That prompted the pair to take a paternity test, which revealed the man was not the father of the baby. The couple first assumed that the fertility clinic they relied on to help them conceive may have mixed up the sperm samples. But after taking a different test, which could look at family relationships, it was determined that the father of the baby was the man’s unborn twin brother. Without getting too scientific, what happened was that the unborn brother’s DNA merged with the man’s when they were both in the womb, making the would-be father a “human chimera.”

Maury

Dog named Trigger shoots owner in foot

Old dog, new tricks. Indiana woman Allie Carter was hunting waterfowl when she laid her 12-gauge shotgun on the ground for a second. That’s when her dog, aptly named “Trigger” accidentally stepped on the–wait for it–trigger, causing the weapon to fire at her leg from point-blank range. Fortunately, Carter was treated at two hospitals and released. She should also probably consider re-naming that dog.

Eminem ‘Can Boost Athletic Performance By 10%’

He did rap “Till I Collapse,” after all. Some of Eminem’s biggest hits, including Lose Yourself and Without Me, have been found to help boost your workout. Researchers who have been trying to develop a “soundtrack for success” for British swimmer Ben Hooper turned up some results that might surprise you. While it’s long been believed songs with a fast tempo are better for workouts, the researchers found that the songs instead must “strike a chord with the test subject” to be effective. “Eye of the Tiger,” for example, was found to be “cheesy,” and yielded no major athletic impact. Sorry, Rocky.

Eminem

Retired couple left with hole in roof after chunk of FROZEN POO falls from plane

Look out below! U.K. residents Keith Mead, 70, and his wife Ruth, 67, heard a loud bang earlier this week and rushed outside to investigate, thinking there had been a car crash. What they found instead was a large hole in their roof and a seven-inch ice log. The couple believes it was a human turd that fell out of a plane after being flushed down the toilet. The couple bagged the ice block and showed insurance assessors later that same day. It’s unclear whether or not the insurance will cover the damage, however.

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